Three stockbrokers were analyzing a stock. One of them was bullish on the stock and said to the others, "This stock is headed to the moon!" Another broker, even more bullish, said to the others, "Forget the moon. This stock is headed to Mars!" However, the third broker was bearish on the stock. He said to the others, "Forget Mars. This stock is headed to Uranus!"
Leaira
A policeman was sitting on his horse waiting to cross the street
when a little girl rode up beside him on her shiny new bike.
"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes sir," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket
for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to
put a reflector light on the back of your bike"
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you
got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes ma'am, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year,
tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, , we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either".
==========================================================
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, "Is my time up"?
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"
(1) What does the average Univ. of Michigan player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one
room?
..........A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get an Iowa cheerleader into your dorm room?
.......Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get a Ohio State graduate off your porch?
........Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
.......There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
...Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami (Fla) football
player's life?
..........His freshman year.
(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
..........None. That's a sophomore course.
(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
......... Durham, North Carolina He knew that the police would
never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.
(10) Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,
and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
(11) What's the difference between a Nebraska Cheerleader and a Rolls Royce?
... About 50 lbs
NO! The OTHER difference...
... You can only fit 4 football players in a Rolls Royce?
From Business Week, The 10 Worst Economic Predictions About 2005
10. "If Microsoft (MSFT ) gets serious about search -- and there is every reason to believe that it will -- Google will need brilliant strategy and flawless execution simply to survive." -- Charles H. Ferguson, author, Technology Review, Jan. 1, 2005
>> REALITY: Google didn't just survive in 2005. It ruled. In the most recent quarter, profits soared 633%, and revenues almost doubled. Microsoft? Profits gained 24%, revenue rose 6%.
9. "The big, big story of 2005 could be the collapse of the dollar." -- Peter Schiff, founder of Euro Pacific Capital in Newport Beach, Calif., Jan. 2, 2005
>> REALITY: Collapse? The dollar surged 14% against the Japanese yen and 13% against the euro from the start of the year through mid-December.
8. Chinese Internet stock NetEase.com (NTES ) -- "organic and innovative" -- will outperform the market. -- Richard Ji, Jenny Wu, and Mary Meeker, Morgan Stanley (MWD ) tech analysts, initiating coverage on Sept. 12, 2005
>> REALITY: In the first three months after Meeker's team recommended NetEase, the company's shares fell 25%. Oops.
7. Calpine, the big electricity generator, "is making progress with a big financial restructuring. If they just liquidated the company, you'd get $6 a share." -- David J. Williams, portfolio manager of the Excelsior Value & Restructuring Fund at U.S. Trust, Dec. 27, 2004
>> REALITY: Calpine's shares were trading around $3.50 when Williams made them one of his top picks for 2005. They're trading now for 31 cents -- down 91%.
6. Overproduction by OPEC could cause a steep decline in oil prices: "We are concerned about the future. We are concerned about a new severe drop in price like we have witnessed in recent days." -- Iranian Minister of Petroleum Bijan Zanganeh, Nov. 22, 2004
>> REALITY: Oil prices were about $50 a barrel when Zanganeh fretted about a severe drop. They hit a record of $70 a barrel in the summer before easing back to "only" around $60 by yearend.
5. Sales of gold by central banks could seal its fate as an economic relic of the Old World. "The pillars of the market are crumbling." -- Andy Smith, a gold analyst at Mitsui Global Precious Metals in London, May 3, 2004
>> REALITY: Those golden pillars didn't crumble in 2005. They turned into rocket boosters. Gold rose 16% to a 22-year high in mid-December.
4. Mechanics at Northwest Airlines (NWA ) will win a strike because other workers will stand up for them. "We know we're not in this alone." -- Ted Ludwig, president of Local 33, Aircraft Mechanics Fraternal Assn., Aug. 9, 2005
>> REALITY: Northwest had little trouble finding replacements for the 4,100 strikers, and no other unions honored their picket line. The continuing strike is considered a near-total failure.
3. The Dow Jones industrial average will finish 2005 at 8,000 points. -- Bernie Schaeffer, Schaeffer's Investment Research, Dec. 27, 2004
>> REALITY: Technically speaking, this prediction could still come true, but it would require the Dow industrials to plummet 26% in the next two weeks. Anyone willing to predict that?
2. 2005 will be "a year of economic difficulty." -- A majority of the American people; 54% of respondents to a Gallup poll, Dec. 17-19, 2004
>> REALITY: For many, it was a difficult year. But the unemployment rate is just 5%, well below its 30-year average. The economy is growing rapidly. And household wealth is at an all-time high. If 2005 was "difficult," then what would you call a recession?
1. The U.S. will have fewer hurricanes in 2005 than in 2004. -- Tropical Meteorology Project of Colorado State University, Dec. 3, 2004
>> REALITY: 2005 broke all hurricane records. Including Katrina and Rita, there were 14 Atlantic hurricanes, 7 of them classified as "intense." The Coloradans had predicted six -- only three intense. Granted, predicting hurricane season half a year before it warms up is no easy task. But guys, come on.
On star systems in cars have been tested as "black box" recorders to study what goes on in automobiles just before a crash. The usual words heard spoken before the crash vary with geographic region of the US. The most common words heard in Alabama and Tennessee are "Hold my beer, I want to try something".
This is my modification of an internet circulated joke I heard. I'm from Tennessee.
(http://mdteague.com/Cheers)
For some of the funniest political humor and most off color cartoons, check out Jibjab.
There is a new cartoon featuring that famous cartoon character, President Bush, in his "year in review".
http://www.jibjab.com/Home.aspx
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-) and :-( respectively.
Well, how about some "ass - icons"? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass hole
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.
I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued,"by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know
about the others, but I use the spoon."
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"! < /B>
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
SINGLES / PERSONAL ADS DECODEDTRANSLATIONS OF TERMS USED:
FIRST THE WOMEN:
40-ish ........................ 49
Adventurer...................... Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic....................... Flat-chested
Average looking................. Ugly
Beautiful....................... Pathological liar
Contagious smile................ Bring your penicillin
Educated ....................... College dropout
Emotionally secure.............. Medicated
Feminist........................ Fat; a ball buster
Free spirit..................... Substance user
Friendship First................ Trying to live down a reputation as a slut
Fun............................. Annoying & Talks A Lot
Gentle ........................ .Comatose
Good listener .................. Borderline autistic
New-age ........................ Body Piercing &/or Tattoos
Old-fashioned .................. Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded .................... Desperate
Outgoing........................ Loud
Passionate...................... Loud
Poet............................ Depressive schizophrenic
Professional.................... Aggressive &/or Overbearing
Redhead......................... Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque.................... Fat
Romantic........................ Looks better by candlelight
Voluptuous...................... Grossly Fat
Weight proportional to height... Soon to file for statehood!!
Wants soulmate.................. One step away from stalking
Widow........................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.................. Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:
40-ish.......................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic........................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking................. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Educated........................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit.................... Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first................ As long as friendship includes touching & nudity
Fun............................. Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.................... Arrogant
Honest.......................... Pathological liar
Huggable........................ Overweight, more body hair than a buffalo
Likes to cuddle................. Insecure, overly dependent
Mature ......................... Until you get to know him
Open-minded..................... Would sleep with your Aunt if he could
Physically fit.................. I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet........................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual....................... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.......................... Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Snowcat,
That personal ad decoder is a riot ;D
OMG, thanks....i needed a good laugh...those are all good :) ;D
julia
Two young women were seated next to each other on an airplane. One was from the north; the other from the south.
The young lady from the south introduced herself. "I'm Tammy from Savannah, Georgia. Where y'all from?"
The young woman from the north, with her head held high, responded, "I'm from a place where we do not end our sentences in a prepostion!"
The young lady from the south was taken back for a moment, then said, "Oh, excuse me. So, where y'all from, bitch?!"
Those personal ad words are hilarious! LOL
I would never use those things to meet a guy. I've heard that most relationships started with personal ads end up not working out, at best. I've heard a lot worse, too. I think I'll stick to meeting guys at church or college.
Merry Christmas!
Leaira
Rodney Dangerfield Jokes
-I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
-I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
-What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
-Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
-When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
-I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
-What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
-I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
-My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
-My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
-I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
-My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
-My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
-I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
-I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
-When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
-I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
-One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
-I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
-My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
-Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
-A hooker once told me she had a headache.
-If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
-I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
-I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!
-I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, What'll you have? I said, Surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
-My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
-I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
-And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
THE PAP TEST
This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to
that wonderful time once a year when they get to be "intimate" with their
OB/GYN doctor! In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays($1000-$5000)
for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the
winner $5000...
I was due later in the week for an appointment with the
gynecologist.
Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I
didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little
extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't
going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off
my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink,
and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure it was at least
presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor
said, My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I
didn't respond.
When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went
home. The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one
from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had
all my glitter and sparkles in it."
Finally, The world's best lawyer joke:
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't
give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also
show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she
has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind
and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six
children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died
in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and
three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I
had no idea"
And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Oh!, No! " says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that weather."
I have been lauging for a good twenty minutes now.
thanks to who started this thread, im new here and seems like a spirited bunch here
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the
guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Ralph was dying.
His wife, Mary, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Mary," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Mary," he said in his tired voice. "I....I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Mary. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Mary. I...I fooled around with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know..." Mary whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
=========================================================
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.
Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.
Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he opened his laptop and sent his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her email address and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail expecting messages from relative and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.
Hearing the crash, the widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It sure is hot down here!
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
Subject: A recent study
A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND
THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER "T." FOR EXAMPLE:
TUESDAY
THURSDAY
THANKSGIVING
TODAY
TOMORROW
THATURDAY AND THUNDAY
_________________________________
WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED........
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER.
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE TOILET.
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME.
__________________________________
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...as a man sees it...
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES. YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY.
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
(A) NUDITY
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A WIFE?
(A) 45 LBS.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
(A) 45 MINUTES.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MANS HEART"
(A) THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A SHARP KNIFE.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT DO YOU CALL A SMART BLONDE MALE?
(A) A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
__________________________________
(Q) WHY DID OJ SIMPSON MOVE TO WEST VIRGINIA?
(A) EVERYONE HAS THE SAME DNA
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
(A) A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
(A) ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT
__________________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mild-mannered man named Louie was tired of being bossed around by his
wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to
build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ????"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be
getting a clear picture of my problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?" "Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me,
you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window.
The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
Brooklyn Tony ON MATH
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH
Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All! of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT t he proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!' "
Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER
Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."
funny video:
http://www.youtube.com/player.swf?video_id=vEWLwz6JRNE&l=357&s=B4BC767524043%20
7 reasons to not mess with a child:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. "Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".
It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember, if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very
> > faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
> > on the Bacardi Breezers.
> >
> >
> > Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
> > the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she
> > would take off her panties and use them.
> >
> > Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
> > did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to
a
> >
> > grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to
wipe
> > with that.
> >
> >
> > After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next
> > day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet
> > and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
> > husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
> > suspect the worst . . my wife came home with no panties!
> >
> >
> > "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
> > stuck to her ass that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll
> > never forget you."
========================================================
A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Grandma said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about thess younga boy. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do that. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do that.
But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing thata willa disgraca the family.
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
"Grandmama, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
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At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a drunken Irishman. He's having a few beers when a gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the Irishman. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this the Irishman leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the crap out of him, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returns to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the Irishman. "I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the Irishman replied. "Something about a job
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 4
Talking Cookies
A little boy was out om the porch one day with grandpa and grandpa was smoking his favorite pipe, The little boy asked grandpa if he could try the pipe, Grandpa said well i dont know son can your pecker touch your @ss Hole? The little boy replied no And grandpa said well then you cant try smoking. The little boy mad returned inside to play. The Next day Grandpa was out on the porch drinking a little whiskey, The little boy came out on the porch and said can i try that Grandpa? The granpa said well i dont know son can your pecker touch your @ss Hole? The little boy replied no And grandpa said well then you cant try my whiskey The little boy mad returned inside to play The next day grandpa was out on the porch with his chewing tobacco when the little boy came out and said can i try that Grandpa? The granpa said well i dont know son can your pecker touch your @ss Hole? The little boy replied no And grandpa said well then you cant try chewing tobacco the little boy went back in the house where grandma was backing some chocolate chip cookies the little boy said can i have some cookies grandma she said yes sweetie and handed the little boy a plate of cookies. The little boy then returned to the porch where grandpa was
carrying his cookies. grandpa looked over at the little boy and said can i have one of those cookies the little boy looked at grandpa and said i dont know grandpa can you pecker touch you Butt hole? Grandpa said it sure can and the little boy quickly replied good then you can go F#&K yourself these are my cookies
A young father came home from a business trip and was sitting with his three children talking and asked them if anything had happened while he was gone.
"Oh yes Daddy, there was a big storm with lightening and thunder and we were so afraid that we ran into Mommy's room and got in bed with her. It frightened us so bad that we slept with Mommy every night after that."
Not wanting this to become a habit the father said, "Well I know it frightened you but you were in the house and a lightening storm won't hurt you inside. From now on just stay in your beds and don't be afraid."
Several weeks later the father was coming home from another trip and his young family came to pick him up at the airport. As he came through the security gate his five-year-old saw him from about 50 feet away and proudly shouted, "Daddy, Daddy, nobody slept with Mommy while you were gone."
==============================================================
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make farting noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud t! hey sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee in shower.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
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A Florida couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The
doctor
> asked, "What can I do for you?"
> The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor
looked
> puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's
> nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
> This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment,
> have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
> Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
> The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
> She's married and we can't go to her house.
> I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The
> Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from
> Medicare.
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SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BLOOPERS
These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spellchecker wouldn't have helped!
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.
5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.
7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
> 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
> "BREASTED AMERICAN."
>
> 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is
> "VOCALLY
> APPRECIATIVE."
>
> 3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY
> ACCESSIBLE."
>
> 4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
> "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
> INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
>
> 5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
> "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
>
> 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY
> IMPAIRED."
>
> 7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets
> "CHEMICALLY
> INCONVENIENCED."
>
> 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is
> "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
>
> 9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
> REPETITIVE."
>
> 10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY
> EXTROVERTED."
>
> 11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She
> is "PECTORALLY
> SUPERIOR."
>
> 12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW
> COST PROVIDER."
>
>
>
> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
> 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed
> a "LIQUID GRAIN
> STORAGE FACILITY."
>
> 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY
> CAUCASIAN."
>
> 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
> "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
> DESTINATIONS."
>
> 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE
> REGRESSION."
>
> 5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers
> "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
> RELATIONSHIPS."
>
> 6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes
> "ACCIDENTALLY
> HORIZONTAL."
>
> 7. He does not have his "head up his ass" - He
> develops a case of
> "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
>
> 8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE
> EMPATHY."
>
> 9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He has
> "MARRIAGE DEFICIT
> DISORDER."
>
> 10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
>
> 11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his
> pants - It's "REAR
> CLEAVAGE"
>
THE SUPER BOWL TICKET
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,
and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
Meanwhile, the worst Danish joke ever
Ole Vas working at the fish plant up nort in Duluth vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006! ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" To vhich Ole answers........
"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
These are for educational purposes only. Do not put on T-Shirts.
The cartoons that are causing all the problems in the world:
http://www.humaneventsonline.com/sarticle.php?id=12146
Bush is assembling a committee of cartoon characters to look into it.
Marmaduke is particularly distraught. Not only is he a cartoon character, but a Great Dane as well.
A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"
The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering." The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?"
"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with." The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?" "Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one." "Do it!" the guy replies.
So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on." The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da-deal!"
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Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses
10. "Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm"
9. "Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page"
8. "Not enough Jim Beam"
7. "Trying to stop the spread of bird flu"
6. "I love to shoot people"
5. "Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter"
4. "I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me"
3. "Excuse? I hit him, didn't I?"
2. "Until Democrats approve Medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly"
1. "Made a bet with Gretzky's wife"
David Letterman
The Late Show
February 13, 2006
www.cbs.com
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.
This is great snowcat!!
I think I pee-ed in my pants a little bit somewhere along the way ::) ;D
An LSU professor stood before his philosophy class and
had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he
picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it
with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They
agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled
into the open areas between golf balls. He then asked the students again if
the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and
poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He
asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an
unanimous
"yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from
under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar,
effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter
subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life."
"The golf balls are the important things -- your
family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions
-- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained,
your life would still be full."
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like
your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else -- the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he
continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same
goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay
attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with
your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Have joy in your heart.
There will always be time to clean the house, and
fix the disposal."
"Take care of the golf balls first; the things
that really matter. Set up your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired
what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just
goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's
always room for a couple of beers."
Irish Lore
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever
you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman
came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep
the money?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in
the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear
spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til
two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!"
He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all
night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
George Bush meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an
efficient
government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is
to surround
yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me
are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy.
You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
"Well, your Majesty, that would be me."
"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.
Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice
President, the
same question.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your
father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who
is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you
on that one."
Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but
none can give him an
answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room
and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next
stall.
Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your
brother or
your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did
some
research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's
Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells
into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!
_____________________________________
More Irish Humor:
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.. ."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he suffer much ?"
"Well, Brenda...no. In fact, he got out three times to go to the bathroom ."
How to savor fine wine
Mother Superior called all the nuns together one evening and said to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."
Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices -- either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
The anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday was last week; He was born
March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
It is called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
good thread
;D laughter is priceless
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150," and the robot proceeds to make conversation about quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, etc.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, etc.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "30."
And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
good one.. keep em comin...
Another Norwegian joke:
Ole and Sven walk into a restaurant. While waiting for their order, they talk about the lutefisk and lefsa dinner at the Lutheran Church last night. Suddenly, a woman at the next table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
Ole looks at her and says, "Kin yew svallo?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin yew git yewr brett?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. Ole walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, Ole walks slowly back to his table. His buddy Sven says, "By golly, ay herd oof dat Hind Lick Maneuver, but ay never seed nobody do dat before!"
=========================================================
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate
them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.
-----You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And Finally:
An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
;D ;D
Two beggars are sitting outside of a church in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
A Gift From God
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the clergyman's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God." He said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "AMEN!"
The Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New Orleans showed up.
Never having seen anyone from the Big Easy at Heaven's door before, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the New Orleans people are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
Bad Redneck Humor -- Part 1:
A Mexican drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and blasts the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Texas cowboy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.
He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
Bad Redneck Humor -- Part 2:
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 09R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 09R - Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your little hearts! Y'all be careful now and tell Allah hi for us -- ya hear?."
Gee - I hope I did not offend anyone. Snowy
An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive . . he's a golfer too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
Cowboy jokes are now in vogue.
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
A favorite joke to make your day better:
The National Poetry Contest had come down to the final two contestants,
a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas.
They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the
word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they
were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.
The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three women in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!!!!
i only know dirty jokes, dont wanna say em! LMFAO
From One Up On Wall Street...
As for Will Rogers, he may have given the best bit of advice ever
uttered about stocks: "Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy
some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't
go up, don't buy it."
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
1. Under same management for over 5763 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: " The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked
Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?," Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarte r replies, "I make a nice living."
10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name, and forgot to write a letter.
11. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
12. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"
"God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, western Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while eastern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be
found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, and will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington..wait until you see who I put there."
Lawyers are wonderful. Soon my daughter will be one.
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you
weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way: The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are
you doing? "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he
wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the
other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When
he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy,
walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"Man, this just ain't gonna be your day..."
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.
Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!!
Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday : Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day
President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and
> asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we
> do?
>
> The CIA chief says, "It's simple. The Jews have an
> expression, â?~Nu, Vus Tutzuch?â?T (English
> translation: What's Happening?). They just ask each
> other and that's how they find out everything."
>
> Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants
> to go undercover to see how this system works.
>
> So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard,
> long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is
> secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York
> where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car
> and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of
> Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods.
>
> As the president stands quietly on a busy street
> corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling
> along. Bush approaches him and whispers "Nu,Vus
> Tutzuch?"
>
> The old guy whispers back, "Did you hear that putz
> Bush is in Brooklyn?"
>
Best Genie Story Ever
A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh ... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies ?"
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he
would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.
"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me
to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It gets worse
Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me
with sexual favors."
The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a
very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God,
in His wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."
"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours
The nicest wedding present:
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Time for the Rabbi's advice?
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
"Yes."
The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
===========================================================
Alzheimer's Test-
Count the "F's" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS..(see below)
Managed it ? Scroll down only after you have counted
them, okay? Do you think there are three?
How many ? 3?
Wrong, there are 6 !!--no joke.
Read it again.
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what ? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is
a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends-it drives them crazy.
A touching story
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
The Rabbi and his son
A boy had just gotten his drivers license. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
The father said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."
Oh my you guys have some funny ones here.
rd
-----
Three ministers - a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together.
A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and they all drowned.
The next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the "Other Place they went.
Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said St. Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named ! Candy !"
Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and poof! Down the chute went the Methodists.
The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good, Fanny."
Texas Circle flies A cowboy gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
ENGINEERS – Eight Steps to Understanding them...Understanding Engineers – OneTwo engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."-----------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - TwoTo the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - ThreeA priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a firelast year, so we always let them play for free anytime."The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad! I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - FourWhat is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - FiveThe graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers – Six Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - SevenNormal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. ------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - EightAn engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The engineer bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and doanything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
WARNING!!! Really bad jokes.
1.. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive
2. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
3 What do you get when you get Ragged y Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection
4 What is the ultimate rejection?
A: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep
5. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
6. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.
7. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
8. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: cherry float.
9. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat IT - we're closed.
10. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
11. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
12. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
13. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
14. Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
15. What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough
16. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.
17. Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: S he's withholding evidence
18. What's the difference between a light sleeper and a hard sleeper?
A: A light sleeper sleeps with a light on.
19. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
20. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
21. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
22. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Snowcat- Did you say Kermit??
Take that:
Boatguy - Kermit is my new hero - he's been at it for hours!!
Norwegians are the new blondes
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Norwegians are the new blondes, part 2
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
What happens in the desert:
A fleeing Hezbollah fighter, desperate for water, was plodding across the plains of Lebanon when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The old Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot. I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"O.K.," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Hezbollah fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"What happened?" asked the old Jew.
Replied the fighter, "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
The Purina Diet. Who knows if this is true. Who cares.
"I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is nutritionally complete and perfectly healthy, I decided to try it again."
"By now, everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, just hanging on my every word, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind the woman I was describing the diet to."
Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, and went on to explain that I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.
"I thought the black guy was going to platz as he staggered to the door, laughing uncontrollably."
==========================================================
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!"
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
The Real Man Test"
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these
questions. Knowing this, women will have
come far in understanding men and enriching
their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit
the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter.
As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present
you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device
that is capable of curing all disease, providing an
infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger
and poverty, and permanently eliminating
oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United
Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your
youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection
without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and
this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him
know that, for business reasons, you have to have him
killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years.
She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy
being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two
of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out
of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she
really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have
some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a
future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her,
you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime
soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want
to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw
play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a
woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with
her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to
offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after
dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you
say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea
breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her
eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill
and asks you to get your three children ready for
school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran
underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and
developed new holes so large that you're not sure which
ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A
real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody
and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife
is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she
is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a
more intimate relationship with it than with her).
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable
explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites
all over the place for forty years before they finally
got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised
Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest
achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of
jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have
carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her
to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox
360. End of
story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.
29: Pull out
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below.
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are
you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion.
thai - great stuff! But:
Here is another fun activity, not so political
http://www.chezmaya.com/applet/valentin.htm
Apparently this is the most popular screen saver in the U.S. If he gets stuck, push him with your cursor. You can also grab him with the cursor & chuck him about, and whizz him round and round!!!
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
May your day be filled with all things good.
A better drunk story than Mel Gibson's
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too"
Forget your wedding anniversary
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really MAD.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday. His wife never did have a sense of humor.
Great one-liners:
You hear about the married gay couple getting a divorce? They cited, "irreconcilable similarities."
It was so hot in Washington DC today that the President met with the NAACP just to get the cool reception - David Letterman
How hot is it? Lawyers are killing themselves because they know it's cooler in Hell.
Damn, she's good -- part 1
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
Damn, she's good -- part 2
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
Joe died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the
last
>guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest
friend.
>
>
>"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
>
>"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned
>in close.
>
>"How mu ch did this really cost?"
>
>"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
>
>"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
>
>Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
>The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the
>memorial stone."
>
>Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big
>is it?!"
>
>"Two and a half carats."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
How doctors work:
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. -- Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. -- Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." -- Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. -- Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." -- Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." -- Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener". -- Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
Texans are very smart.
Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, he tells her, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. You'll find the cow, because I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn."
After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him: "This is the one..... right here."
Impressed by the ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on...."
The ultimate logic. First hand story:
"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
"Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
"Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast- talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
"Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"
has anyone noticed nobody is tryign to get rid of the Uranus planet? why Pluto? think about it
The choice
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.... "
The question
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -- prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared intently at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her next question:
"Will I be acquitted?"
thats a good one
The Jewish Fire Truck...
One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical
plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm
went out to all fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in
the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000
to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire
departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire
company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To
everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past
all the sleek, newer engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off
right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a
performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman
feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of
the brave fire fighters personally.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking
their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting ve
gonna do is fix da brakes on dat fuckin' truck!"
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
If Men got pregnant:
1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health
Problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main
Entree's'.
14. Women would rule the world.
snowcat, these jokes are hysterical.....keep them coming :D
thanks!
julia
Did you hear about the new Muslim strip club????
It features full facial nudity.
How do you know when a member of Al-Quaida reaches puberty????
He takes the diaper off his ass and puts it on his head.
Funnier jokes on Snowcat's hot stock pix!
The funniest joke in the world: Be ultra careful watching this video. This joke will kill you. Click here. P.S. You need to watch this video. It's a lot more interesting than watching the ticker.
A Second Wife
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women in the back of the room spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"
The first husband
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling
around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above
the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers beg an to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again
and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, "Boy..................go git cha momma..............."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.
During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."
Dr. Watson enters the Holmes' residence one morning and notices Sherlock leaving his bedroom with a very young woman on his arm.
Dr. Watson asks "Is that a high school girl you spent the night with, Sherlock?"
To which he replies "Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."
> Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that
> you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....
>
>
> I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
> asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
> turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
> didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
>
> ==================
>
> I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
> unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
> several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
> who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
> thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's
> balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
>
> ===================
>
> Nuts about You
>
> My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
> variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
> behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
>
> I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
>
> My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned
> beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
> forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
>
> ===================
>
> While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
> some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
> her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
> I told her that
> if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
>
> To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
> threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
> that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
>
> The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
> tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
> dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
> thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
> Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia
>
> ====================
>
> A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally
> got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price
> tag. Imagine
> her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for
> all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."
>
> That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
> misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like
> tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
>
> "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU
> POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" Diane E. Amov
> ===================
>
> Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
> three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
> on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
> in between errands. It was
> very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
> something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and
> she
> was clean.
>
> Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I
> asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No."
>
> I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
> have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
> didn't have an accident?"
>
> "No," he replied.
>
> I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
> getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
> accident?"
>
> This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread
> his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
>
> While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
> calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
>
> An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh
> they'd ever had! =================
>
> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
> embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
> before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
> any....a true story...
>
> We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
> snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,
> where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
>
> Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
> were laughing so hard!
Subject: YOU DA MAN TEST
YOU DA MAN TEST...
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Sports Center
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. $100 extra
6. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A Moron
7. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride
8. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends"
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU."
9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with the intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
EVALUATING RESULTS:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you ARE a male!
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
Extreme logic:
A woman finds a skunk in her basement. She calls a radio help line. "Leave a trail of breadcrumbs from your basement to your backyard," advises the show's host.
An hour the later the woman called back, even more upset, "Now I have two skunks in basement." -- Dave Aston, in Readers Digest.
SHOFAR IDOL! VERY FUNNY! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
http://www.danmeth.com/shofaridol.htm
Marriage:
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
Let's be super literal:
Boudreaux tries out for the tigers....
Boudreaux, a college freshman at LSU fresh from the swamp tries for the football team.
Can you tackle?" asked the coach the first day of practice.
"Watch dis," Boudreaux told him, and proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Mais, sure I can run," said Boudreaux. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash!
"Great!" exclaimed the excited coach. "But can you pass a football?"
Boudreaux rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds and replied,"Mais, Coach", he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Informing next of kin:
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones replied, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate Ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific!? My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..
What about your son?"The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed? He's my son and l love him.? And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Doctors. Doctors. Doctors
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink alcohol?"
"Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I have heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf or tennis, sailing ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?"
"No I don't", I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said quizzically, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"
This one I prefer.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress."
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evenings by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a drunken Irishman. He's having a few beers when a gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the Irishman. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this the Irishman leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the crap out of him, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returns to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the Irishman. "I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the Irishman replied. "Something about a job
Husbands cheating on their wives:
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
MAID: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife.
The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?
MAID: Of course! What will I have to do?
WIFE: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with.
The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots, then more footsteps. MAID: What do I do with the bodies?
WIFE: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
MAID: There's no pool here.
A long pause. . . .
WIFE: Is this 832-4821?
======================================================
A young Italian man from New Jersey excitedly tells his mother he's
> fallen
> in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun,
> Ma,
> I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm
> going to marry." The mother agrees.
> The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
> them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay,
> Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
> She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
> "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
> The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."
=======================================================
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two
tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife was deeply disappointed but,
a wish was a wish.
The Fairy Made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!.. Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
Men might be stupid....
But Fairies are....................Female!
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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LOUISIANA GHOST STORY
This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town
in
the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred
Hitchcock
tale, it's real.
This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on
a
real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and
no
cars went by.
It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his
face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing
ghostlike in
the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door;
only
then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no
sound of
an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward
and
the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The
guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too
scared to
jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the
ghost
car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!
But
just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window
and a
hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the
car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand
disappeared
through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he
could
take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two
shots
of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A
silence
enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was
telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
the
other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz
pushin it in the rain."
I'm Fine
Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the
trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the
lawyer.
Boudreaux responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the ...."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the
question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road.."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman
on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and
said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule,
Bessie".
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, " Well as I was saying, I
had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot
her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand,
and
looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"
Best Cuban Joke
This is my translation of an actual Cuban joke forwarded to me by a Mexican diplomat in Washington.
On a recent visit to Cuba, Vladimir Putin found that most Cubans' shoes have holes in them, and so he asked Fidel, "Oye chico, how is this possible after 40 years of 'progress'?"
Annoyed, Fidel answers, "And what about Russia? Have you done any better?"
Putin says, "Ombe, When you want I'll invite you to Russia and if you find a single person with ripped-up shoes you have permission to kill him. No problems."
They got on Putin's plane and went to Russia. As soon as Fidel got off the plane, the first thing he saw was someone whose shoes were all ripped up, and so he grabbed his pistol and BOOM! killed him.
The following day, Russian newspapers carried this banner headline: "Old Bearded Man Kills Cuban Ambassador in Moscow Airport."
========================================================
Another dumb blonde joke
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming their dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOOOOOOOO.....," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him,"she whispered,"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room."
no one else on the board knows how to post a joke?
WHERE DRIVERS ARE FROM
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
One hand on wheel, one fist out window: NEW YORK
One hand on wheel, one fist out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO , but driving in CALIFORNIA
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam
12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
The old cowhand
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em."
Sadie and Yetta, two Jewish widows, are talking.
Sadie: "That nice tailor, Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... Marvelous dinner. Lobster, even. Den ve go see a show... Let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy! , he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!
Sadie: "Oy! Vey... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No... No... I'm just saying, wear schmatte (junk clothing)."!
It's finally come to this
A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT
in January 2009
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is
spending her first night in the White House. She
has waited so long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson
appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says,
"Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln
appears..
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says,
"Go to the theater."
This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to the 5 most
important questions in the world:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Now, you know everything you need to know!
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The secret of a happy marriage
With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding
anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the
minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and give
some insight into how he managed to maintain his
marriage with the same woman all these years. The
husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her
with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took
her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired "Trips to where?" "For our 25th
anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you
are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience
what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th
anniversary?"
Pete: "I'm going to go get her."
Boudreaux's Daughter
Boudreaux's 21-one-year-old, unmarried daughter tells
her parents she thinks she is expecting. Very worried,
they go to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux says, "Who
'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an
hour later a Ferrari stops in front of Boudreaux's
house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair,
impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out
of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with Boudreaux, the mother
and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your
daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry
her because of my personal family situation, but I'll
take responsibility."
"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000
bank account.
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you
suggest I do?"
At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells
him, "'Den you try agin!"
======================================================
An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a
teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought
to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
"when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that
would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down
drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame that would be.
And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
skirt-chasin', no good bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's
gonna be a Congressman!"
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
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Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to watch their team play the Red Sox. They start making fun of a couple of Red Sox supporters who only have one ticket between the two of them.
Just before the conductor appears both Red Sox fans go into the bathroom and lock the door behind them. When the conductor knocks on the door they slip the ticket under the door, the conductor clips it and slides it back under the door and off he goes.
On the return journey the Yankees fans decide to pull the same trick and purchase only one ticket for the two of them. They notice that yet again the two Red Sox supporters only have one ticket between them. The Yankees fans realize there is only one bathroom per carriage and quickly take the lead, locking themselves in first, leaving the Red Sox fans with nowhere to go.
A minute later the Red Sox fan without a ticket strolls over to the bathroom and knocks on the door.
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There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''
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