3SOF

How much is your hot dog worth??  How about US $10,169.69????

Don't believe me?  check it out for yourself!

http://cgi.ebay.com/Seattle-Seahawks-SUPER-DOG-NFC-Championship-hot-dog_W0QQitemZ5659617304QQcategoryZ1467QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

I love this Q&A...............
Q: What a great Idea, How did you come to the idea of selling a HOT DOG from the game? Why do you think it is so popular? Why not a Hamburger?   Jan-27-06 

A: I saw a guy selling a jar of air from the hawks-redskins game and me and a couple friends brainstormed and came up with a hot dog..
 

Jesus :-)

I don't believe is that the seller will get all that money... some fake bidders on the middle for sure...
But... they have 229,000 page views on that auction... LOL...

here is an ebay auction for you,
out of sydney australia

By Louisa Hearn
January 31, 2006 - 9:24AM

The four Sydney blokes auctioning a weekend of friendship on eBay were very rich men for a short time today as the site was hit with a flurry of fake bids reported to be as high as $45 million.

The amount began spiralling upward on Monday evening with a series of large international bids, said Mark Huts, one of the four blokes.

He said action had been taken on Tuesday to cut out the fakes, and those with no bidding history had been removed, bringing the bids down to $45,400. They have since risen to over $55,000.

An eBay spokesman said that when it came to bidding in high profile auctions "sometimes people get a little over excited". While eBay provides the marketplace and a number of tools for verifying bids it was up to its sellers to identify the fakes, he said.

Michael Berkovits, the managing director of GoingGone, which provides add-on verification services for eBay sellers, said fake high bids were especially common in well publicised auctions.

He said the problem facing the four blokes would be collecting from the winner at the end of the auction.

"They've done  a good job at marketing themselves but I can't see them getting the big money," he said.

Participants in the auction are bidding for the pleasure of hanging out with the "4 blokes" in their Lillyfield pad on February 18 and 19 as they go about their usual weekend business of enjoying "some beers, some snags, some good conversation and a hell of a lot of laughs".

The idea for the weekend was born in a Balmain pub, but the current level of bidding has taken the four blokes by surprise.

"We sat down and spoke about it over the weekend. When it hit the 2000 mark we thought 'wow' so this is just a crazy amount," said Mr Huts.

But despite the high price tag now being attached to the weekend he said they were not planning to upgrade the itinerary for their guest beyond the promised beer, snags and friendship.

Although the winner of the auction will become their "best mate" for the weekend, they must make their own travel arrangements and the four are still unsure about how they might accommodate their guest.

"We haven't planned whether to put them up or not," said Mr Huts.

Also up in the air is the status of the celebrity/international guest mysteriously alluded to in their advertisement. While the international guest is now confirmed as a definite addition to the weekend, his credentials as a celebrity could not be confirmed by Mr Huts.

"Either way he's our mate who comes direct to you from the UK. He'll have tales of London that will make you laugh and even cry," the advertisement says.

Mr Huts said the "4 blokes" weekend had already spawned one copycat on eBay with someone reproducing their listing exactly aside from the photograph and title. He said eBay had removed the listing once it was notified.

In 2003 six German women raised about $40,700 on eBay after promising to take a crate of beer and themselves along to the winner's party.

The "4 Blokes" auction will close at 1pm on Saturday.

Latest scam, and according to Snopes.com, this one is real. Be careful !!

I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall
parking lots. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are
parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other
comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her
blouse.

While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and
then they both start begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because
as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her
breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This
is when they steal your wallet. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates when three people arrived. The first one comes up to the entrance and St. Peter asks, "What did you die of?"
The man replies, "I died of the big 'C'."

St. Peter says, "The big 'C'? What's that?"

The man replies, "Cancer. It ate me up alive."

St. Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The next man walks up to Saint Peter, and Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'H'."

Saint Peter asks, "The big 'H'? What's the big 'H'?"

The man says, "Heart attack. I was playing with my kids when my heart gave out, and here I am."

Saint Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The third person, a lady, walks up to Saint Peter. She is dressed like a street walker.

Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The girl replies, "I died of the big 'G'."

Saint Peter says, "The big 'G'? I've never heard of the big 'G'."

She says, "That's the big 'G' for Gonorrhea."

Saint Peter replies, "Gonorrhea? No one dies of gonorrhea!"

The girl says, "You do if you give it to Leroy."

Anyone who thinks ASTM shall die (FOUS...................haha), I got these words for you!!!!  Fous already knows what it is.................but to the rest of you http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/youare.swf


Now don't take this the wrong way now kids!  haha!

Quote from: thai626 on February 02, 2006, 06:58:06 PM
Anyone who thinks ASTM shall die (FOUS...................haha), I got these words for you!!!!  Fous already knows what it is.................but to the rest of you http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/youare.swf


Now don't take this the wrong way now kids!  haha!

Mi moma sed i no ideot yuo da ideot  lol lol lmao ol

some valentine's day cards you will not find:

Hallmark doesn't cover these...

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold,
Someone to love.
(inside card)
After meeting you, I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life ...
(inside card)
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am .
(inside card)
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
(inside card)
Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry ...
(inside card)
Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age ...
(inside card)
Almost life-like!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(inside card)
Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your
promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time .
(inside card)
What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you .
(inside card)
It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. .
(inside card)
Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend, if we were on a
sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ...
(inside card)
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really
special for your birthday. . . .
(inside card)
So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia).

14. Looking back o'er the years we've been together,
I can't help but wonder ...
(inside card)
What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . .
(inside card)
Too bad no one likes your husband.

16. How could two people as beautiful as you ...
(inside card)
Have such an ugly baby?
__________________________________

Big news in the States was when Vice President, Dick Cheney accidentally shot his 78 year old, attorney hunting buddy in the chest while they were hunting quail -

One health-care lobbyist chuckled: "It's not enough for the administration to cut Medicare; now they're taking out seniors one by one."

From David Letterman,
+ "We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."
+ "Honestly, I don't know what all of the fuss is about. What's more American than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?"


From Jay Leno:
+ "When people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92%"
+ "After he shot the guy, he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'"

All revealed.
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

sorry, the previous jokes were regarding Vice President, Dick Cheney shooting his 78 year old hunting buddy in the face with buckshot during a hunting accident.

The headlines read:

"Dick shoots prematurely"

"Dick shoots load in partner's face"

"Dick no longer shooting blanks"

"Attorney gets a big load in face from Dick"

Make up your own

(if you are not from the US, a "dick" is another name for a male sex organ" and BTW, "bush" is slang for a woman's)

bumper stickers

IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Lastly: "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

========================================================

There was a man who worked for the Post Office...  whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.  One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.  He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read,





Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.  I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.  By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.  It read.


Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

See photos of you when you were in High School!

Works with all Schools!

This site is good, I found one of mine.!!!    http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

My second best lawyer joke:
One afternoon, a well-to-do lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO EAT GRASS!"

The lawyer then said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"




llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll


According to a Web survey by America Online and Salary.com, the average worker admits to wasting 2.09 hours per day, not counting lunch, which adds up to $759 billion on salaries.  The 10,044 respondents indicated their No. 1 time-wasting activity at work is personal Internet use (44.7%), followed by socializing with co-workers (23.4%), conducting personal business (6.8%), spacing out (3.9%), and running errands off-premises (3.1%). 

The insurance industry led all others in time wasted (2.5 hours/day), and in tenth place was finance and banking (1.8 hours/day).
Salary.com
Sr. Vice President Bill Coleman says, "Our survey results show that workers on average are wasting a little more than twice what their employers expect."  He added, however, that personal Internet use and casual office conversations often turn into new business ideas or efficiencies.

"Only two hours - that's pretty good" says an insurance expert from NY.

"Comparisons of 'Titanic' and 'My Life'

A senior class was assigned to read two books ... 'Titanic' by James Cameron and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that both books were nearly identical stories!

Titanic: Cost $29.99
Clinton: Cost $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica ... ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary ... basically the same thing.

His cool professor gave him an A+ for the report."


;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Larry King suggested to Jon Stewart that the current low ebb of the Democrats and Republicans was good for Mr. Stewart's business.


King: So, in a sense you're happy over this.
Stewart: No.

King: This gives you fodder.

Mr. Stewart replied that if government "began to solve problems in a rational way rather than just a way that involved political dividends, we would be the happiest people in the world to turn our attention to idiots like, you know, media people, no offense."

King: So, you don't want it to be bad?
Stewart: Did you really just ask me if I want it to be bad?

King: Yes because you--

Stewart: What are you--I have kids. What do you think? I want things to corrode to the point where we're all living in huts?

King: You don't want Medicare to fail?

Stewart: Are you insane?

Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations
============================================

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse.  These are actual quotes taken from
federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom
   and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
   of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
   a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
   feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
   to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
   better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
    all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
    ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
    other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
    isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
    looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
    week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
    change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
    gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Brokeback Mountain 2 - suddenly I realize that I am NOT a homophope.


http://www.office-humour.co.uk/includes/images/items/2006/03/3914.jpg

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-) and :-( respectively.


Well, how about some "ass - icons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass hole

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Subject: Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are
Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands
on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The
hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible,"
said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's
Abraham Lincoln's clock.The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told
only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan."

hahaha  ;D

Latest headline,

Media Advisory - BMO Nesbitt Burns to Webcast Fertilizer Conference

They are one of my discount brokers, so popped up on my watch list on Yahoo news.

Just had to laugh, talking heads / anal-cysts getting together to have a conference about  bull$hit.  I guess according to disclosure laws they have to advertise it with a press release.

Quasi

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different."

"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant."

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earlene got pregnant again."

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

hehehe :D

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex.""Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda
Dedicated to Todd, who broke his ankle yesterday. Poor clumsy man:

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over: "Nope."

Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says: "Ray, what's different?! It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells: "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies: "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

If you have not listened and seen jibjab videos, you are missing something funny!

http://www.jibjab.com/JokeBox/JokeBox_JJOrig.aspx?movieid=123

guaranteed great.  or call Elite G for your money back!

Totally tasteless political humor:
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum rifle into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to San Francisco and snatch another one?

 The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!



DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some chocolate.

Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some chocolate

What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some chocolate.

Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Here, have some chocolate.

What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more chocolate.



 
Thirteen Things PMS Stands For:

1.     Pass My Shotgun
2.     Psychotic Mood Shift
3.     Perpetual Munching Spree
4      Puffy Mid-Section
5.     People Make me Sick
6.     Provide Me with Sweets
7.     Pardon My Sobbing
8.     Pimples May Surface
9.     Pass My Sweat pants
10.    Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.    Plainly; Men Suck
12.    Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one ....

13. Potential Murder Suspect





Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!



Or to men who need a warning.

And remember: Money talks.... but Chocolate SINGS!!!

This was Bill Maher's closing monologue the other night:

"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend - you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare - helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare; the credit cards are maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.

"Now it's time to do what you've always done best - lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or space man?

"Now I know what you're saying - there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church.

And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

"But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes.

"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side.

"So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is, 'Take a hint.'

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!

lol...lots of those are good ones :)

The close call:
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.  She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Our world
 Did I read that sign  right?
In an  office:
TOILET OUT OF  ORDER......PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN  THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE  STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE  TAKEN In an  office:
AFTER TEA BREAK  STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING  BOARD Outside a  secondhand shop:
WE  EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari  park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE  STAY IN YOUR CAR
See n  during a conference:
FOR  ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE  1ST FLOOR Notice in  a farmer's field:
THE  FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.  (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)

Keep on smiling & read on...

Oxymoron's....
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?


_

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried your best to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride  over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the
enormous  challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and
steel it would take!  It will  nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time  and think of something that would
honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said,  "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I
want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when
she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she
means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make  a
woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Murphy's Law Cousins -- Part 2:
Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater:
The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until your coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product you really like, they will stop making it.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////9999999999999999999999999999999


A blonde male "joke"
Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one
guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only
to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole-digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three man team.

But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."


An Old Cowpoke's deal
A West Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old broncobuster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses.

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

Buwahahahahaha..... buwahahahahahahahaa ;D ;D ;D ;D
That was funny :D

  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Excellent G!!!!  Now you are a serious competitor of Snowcat.

;D

Four men plan to meet at an airport lounge before their business trip. 

Three of the men arrive on time and are bullshitting over a drink when the forth shows up looking all nervous and unsure.  They ask him what the problem is and he states that he just had the most embarrassing moment of his life.  He tells them how he went up to this beautiful, very voluptuous women behind the ticket counter and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg he asked for a picket to titsburg.  He explained that she was embarrassed, he was embarrassed, and he just got the ticket and walked away without looking at her again.

All of the men laugh and joke but after a minute one of the men says: "You know I also had a Freudian slip this morning over breakfast with my wife.  What I meant to say was honey can you please pass the syrup, but what came out was YOU FxxxING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE."

Quote from: eliteG on June 02, 2006, 03:22:15 PM
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match."

WBAM is a country radio station in Montgomery, Alabama (98.9), not Chicago.

A woman walked into a bar.
She had a duck on a leash.
The bartender called out, Hey no dogs allowed in the bar !
The woman replied, that's no dog it's a duck.
The bartender replied , I was talking to the duck !  ;D

The Deal with God -- Part 1
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.

The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept away.

She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"

A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."


The Deal with God -- Part 2
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are your sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" -- Jay Leno.

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM, AND
THEN SAYS HELLO.
HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO
HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?"

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE
AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID
ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED
MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?"

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."

thanks been a rough market keep the laughs coming
laughter is priceless

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again.

"Dammit, you lazy w#$%^, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 35,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta kahunas."

What irony:

Super bowl winning Football Player, Ben Rothlisburger wears a helmet when he plays football so he does not get hurt crashing into soft men going at 5 mph, but does not wear a helmet when he is riding a motor cycle going at 60 mph.

Why is Danny DeVito so happy about this stock market????

He's short.

 Apparently this is the most popular screen saver in the U.S. If he gets stuck, push him with your cursor. You can also grab him with the cursor & chuck him about, and whizz him round and round!!!



  http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm



May your day be filled with all things good.

From the "New Market Wizards" - interview with Linda Bradford Rashke.


Coudn't you train assistants to apply your methodologies to the markets you can't watch?
I've tried that. I hired and trained someone for a year. He was the nicest person you could hope to meet. Any organization would have been proud to have him as an employee. He was extremely hardworking and loyal. He was in perfect physical shape_he ate well and practiced karate every day. Emotionally, he was on such an even keel that I never once saw him get angry at anyone.
I put a lot of time and effort into training him. I even gave him his own account, because I thought that the only way he could learn to trade was by doing it. Unfortunately, it didn't work out.

What went wrong?
He didn't seem to have any passion for trading. He coudn't pull the trigger. I think he didn't like the idea of taking risks. [Linda describes a typical conversation with her assistant:]
"OK, Steve, what's your game plan for today?"
"I think I'm going to buy wheat today," he says, explaining his reasons for the trade.
"That's great!" I say, trying to encourage him.
At the end of the day, I ask him, Did you buy the wheat?"
"No," he answers.
"Well, what did you do?"
"I watched it go up."

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."



Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.



Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought t he salesman.

He paid the money, inserted his

hands in to the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen second s later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.



The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.



With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member...

which now had a button sewed on the end.


========================================================

Your last wish
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

On his deathbed
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do! I do!"

BUENOS DIAS!!!

JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.

SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS.

PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.

TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.

JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUEZ-GARCIA,
Mexican hacker

The Real Man Test"

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these
questions. Knowing this, women will have
come far in understanding men and enriching
their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit
the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter.
As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present
you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device
that is capable of curing all disease, providing an
infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger
and poverty, and permanently eliminating
oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United
Nations.

C. Take it apart.



2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your
youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.



3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection
without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and
this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him
know that, for business reasons, you have to have him
killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.



5. You have been seeing a woman for several years.
She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy
being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two
of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out
of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she
really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have
some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a
future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her,
you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime
soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want
to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw
play on third and seventeen.



6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a
woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with
her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to
offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after
dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you
say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea
breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her
eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?


7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill
and asks you to get your three children ready for
school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?"



8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran
underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and
developed new holes so large that you're not sure which
ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A
real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody
and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife
is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she
is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a
more intimate relationship with it than with her).



9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable
explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites
all over the place for forty years before they finally
got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.

B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised
Land when they finally got there.

C. He refused to ask for directions.



10. What is the human race's single greatest
achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion.

C. Remote control.

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, "Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands."

The Arkansan replies, "Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away."

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.



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Drinks Show Your Personality

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.




THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:


Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.


Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.


Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.


Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.


White Zinfandel: He's gay

Do You Know How to Get Even?
A husband and his wife begin to get snugly in bed and when just as things are heating up, his wife stops him and says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

"What!!!??" the frustrated husband replies.

"You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman," she explains.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and goes to sleep.

The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He takes her around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.

"They all look great -- we'll buy all three of them!"

He then goes and gets her matching shoes worth $300 each.

Eventually, they make their way to the jewelry department where he gets her a set of diamond earrings.

His wife, plenty excited by now, tries to take advantage of her husband's generous mood and also takes a tennis bracelet to which her husband replies,

"You don't even play tennis, but if you really like it then let's get it!"

His wife, literally jumping up and down at this point, finally says, "Okay, I'm ready to go! Let's take all of this stuff to the register!"

At this point, the husband calmly looks over to his wife and says, "No-no-no, honey. I think you misunderstood. We're not going to buy all this stuff."

His wife's face goes blank and the husband continues:

"No, honey. I just wanted you to hold this stuff for a while."

His wife's face quickly turns from blank to red and just as she's about to explode her husband explains:

"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"


;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved
out.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge
to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration,
and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share
their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation
level as nagging him.

France and the French (favorite is last)



France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.

Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.

France has usually been governed by prostitutes."   --Mark Twain




"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a

French one behind me."                      --General George S. Patton




"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."                             

                                                            -- Norman Schwartzkopf



"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." 

                                                            --Marge Simpson



"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
                                    --Jacques Chirac, President of France.
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."   --Rush Limbaugh




"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."   

                                                            --Regis Philbin


"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret.
He is French, people."                         --Conan O'Brien




"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq.

After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either."    --Jay Leno




"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."   

                                                            --David Letterman


"War without France would be like ... World War II."     --Unknown



"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs  than the Nazis?"     

                                                             --Dennis Miller



"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."      --Alan Kent




"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was,
'Never shot. Dropped once.' "                                      --Rep. Roy Blunt, MO




"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq."     

                                                                                    --Dennis Miller



"Raise your right hand if you like the French, ... raise both hands if you are French."     --Unknown



Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?



A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?




"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."     

                                                                                    --Rep. R. Blount, MO




"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII?

And that's because it was raining."                             --John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv



The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from
Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender  and Collaborate.

The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.




French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.

The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army
garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
In three generations, there will be no Democrats!!!
Dang, I love it when a plan comes together

-Dick Trickle, Chairman, RNC

Snowcat .. .the get even joke put different  ;)

Monkey business at the Zoo


It was beautifully warm spring day when a man and his wife decided to visit the zoo. His pretty young wife was wearing a very short black skirt and a skimpy blue crop-top. As they strolled past the primate area a huge, male gorilla suddenly jumped up on the bars of his cage, grunted loudly and thumped his chest with his free hand.

"I think he fancies you." said the man.
"Nonsense", replied his wife. "He's just a big monkey."
"He looks pretty excited to me. Why don't you come on to him and see what he does."
His wife giggled and blew the gorilla a big kiss. The gorilla jabbered excitedly and rubbed it's crotch.

"See, he likes you!", said her husband. "Go on, tease him some more."
So she went right up to the cage, wiggled her bottom, and ran her hands slowly up and down her thighs. The Gorilla went wild and pounded his chest.
"He's gagging for it" said her husband. "Go on, give him a real thrill."
So his wife pushed her top up and started rubbing her hands all over her tits.
The Gorilla rattled the bars of it's cage and howled in frustration.

"Is there anyone looking?" asked his wife.
Her husband shook his head. She took off her top , slipped out of her bra and waved her tits at the animal.
The Gorilla was beside itself and tore at the bars in a frenzy of grunts and shrieks.

"Now take off your panties."
His wife pulled up her skirt and rolled her panties down
The gorilla went beserk and smashed the lock on the door.

Suddenly, the husband ripped his wife's panties off, wrenched open the door, and pushed her into the arms of the gorilla.

"Now, tell HIM you've got a fucking headache!"

http://cgi.ebay.com/I-sniff-used-panties-Sticker-Decal-new_W0QQitemZ140022713652QQihZ004QQcategoryZ36677QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear.

Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally, their request was granted, and they immediately flew to Yellowstone.

They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.

The rangers mounted a search party & found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men.Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female.

Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist.

They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian scientist.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you ?"

The other ranger nodded and responded......

"I guess that means the Czech is in the male."

we need more of these

FLOWERS

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?" The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"


=======================================================

An older gentleman takes his wife to their physician and tells the doctor, "There's something wrong with my wife. Don't know for sure, but she's either got AIDS or Alzheimers." The doctor laughs a little at the amateur diagnosis but agrees to check the woman out. After a short time, the doctor comes out to the waiting husband to relay his findings. "Sir, Good news, I cannot find anything wrong with your wife."

The man refuses to believe this, adamantly declaring his wife has AIDS or Alzheimers. He begs the physician for advice. After a few minutes the befuddled doctor finally responds. "The only advice I can offer is this. Take your wife far out into the desert, drop her off and return home."

"Great, I'll do it," the husband responds. But after a few moments, he looks at the doctor a little puzzled. "What if she finds her way home?"

Without even flinching the doctor says, "Then don't have sex with her."
3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
> >
> >        40-ish..................... 49
> >
> >       Adventurous............. Slept with everyone
> >
> >
> >       Athletic................... No tits
> >
> >
> >        Average looking........ Moooo
> >
> >
> >        Beautiful.................. Pathological liar
> >
> >
> >        Buxom..................... Fat
> >
> >
> >        Emotionally Secure.... On  medication
> >
> >
> >        Feminist.................. Fat
> >
> >
> >        Free spirit................ Junkie
> >
> >
> >       Friendship first.......... Former slut
> >
> >
> >        New-Age................. Body hair in the wrong places
> >
> >       Old-fashioned........... No BJs
> >
> >
> >        Open-minded............ Desperate
> >
> >
> >        Outgoing................. Loud and Embarrassing
> >
> >
> >        Professional.............. Bitch
> >
> >
> >        Voluptuous............... Very Fat
> >
> >
> >       Large frame.............. Hugely Fat
> >
> >      Wants Soul  mate...... Stalker
> >
> >> >
> >
> >  WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
> >
> >
> >        Yes............................................ No
> >
> >
> >        No.............................................. Yes
> >
> >
> >        Maybe......................................... No
> >
> >        We need...................................... I want
> >
> >
> >        I am sorry.................................... You'll be sorry
> >
> >
> >        We need to talk............................ You're in trouble
> >
> >
> >        Sure, go ahead............................. You better not
> >
> >
> >        Do what you want......................... You will pay for this
> > later
> >
> >        I am not upset.............................. Of course I am
pissed,
> > you moron!
> >
> >        You're certainly attentive tonight..... Is sex all you ever think
> > about?
> >
> >
> >             MEN'S ENGLISH:
> >
> >
> >        I am hungry.................................. I am hungry
> >
> >        I am sleepy.................................. I am sleepy
> >
> >        I am tired..................................... I am tired
> >
> >        Nice dress.................................... Nice boobs!
> >
> >        I love you.................................... Let's have sex now
> >
> >        I am bored................................... Do you want to have
> > sex?
> >
> >        May I have this dance?.................. I'd like to have sex
with
> > you
> >
> >        Can I call you sometime.................. I'd like to have sex
with
> > you
> >
> >       Do you want to go to a movie?........ I'd like to have sex with
you
> >
> >
> >       Can I  take you out to dinner?......... I'd like to have sex with
> > you
6666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666

Click below and have a good laugh!


http://www.ladyskylar.com/swffiles/thong.swf

===

The Mars Lander has landed:
A man from Mars lands on Second Avenue in the lower East Side of New York. He goes into a Jewish bakery and asks, "What are those little wheels in the window?"
"They aren't wheels," says the storekeeper, "They're called bagels. Here, try one...."
The Martian bites into the bagel and says, "Hey! This would go great with some lox and cream cheese."

Tea or Coffee?
Sol and Herbie were finishing their lunch at a New York restaurant when the waited asked, "Tea or coffee, gentleman?"
"I'll have tea," said Sol.
"Me too," said Herbie. "And make sure the glass is clean."
The returned in a few minutes and announced, "Two teas. And who gets the one in the clean glass?"



 
The ailing memory:
Two old Jewish men are sitting in the sun, talking. "Harry, tell me about the restaurant you went to last week."
"Oy Jack, I can't remember the name. You know my memory is terrible, I can't remember anything. I know, wait a minute. What do you call the flower, with a sweet smell, with thorns, grows in the garden, all beautiful colors?"
"You mean, a rose?"
"That's it!"
He calls out: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last week?"

Print this message | Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top



doct1010
1245 posts Dec-24th-03  3:32 PM

     


96. "Re: Early Christmas joke...from the e-mail bin"
In response to message #89
       


15 Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her sweet time:

1. Pick up condom packages & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5 minute
     Intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the ladies room.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official tone, "Code blue in house wares,"...and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say:  "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream: "NO! No! Not those voices again".
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real LOUD: "We're out of toilet paper in here!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quickies:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
---------
Let's go for stupid
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
----------
Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
----------
Drunk?
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb  and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"      "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."     Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
----------
Dealing with trouble
     A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
     Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
     The giant nodded.  "If I had some chains,"  the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong  you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.  "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.   "Nope,"he replied. "I can't do it."
     "In that case," said the deputy, "You're under arrest."
----------
Too Late
  The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
     "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.       "My wife," said the man.
----------
Golf balls
     A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets  full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.  Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."  The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and then asked,  "Does
it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

You are a redneck if:

01. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse has.

02. You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

03. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

04. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

05. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

06. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

07. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"

08. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

09. You think the last words of The Star Spangled Banner are:"Gentlemen, start your engines!"

10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

11. The bluebook value of your truck goes up or down according to how much gas it has in it.

12. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

13. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

14. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

15. Your house has wheels but your cars don't.

16. Your family tree doesn't branch.

17. You have more appliances on your front lawn than in your house.

========================================================

A married couple went to the hospital to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he
had invented a new machine that would transfer a
portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's
father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor
set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,explaining
that even 10% was probably more pain than the father
had ever experienced before. However, as the labor
progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The
husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the
husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing. At this point, they decided to try for
50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since
the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
onsiderably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman
was dead on the porch.

Subject: never under estimate the powers of a Brooklyn girl.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their

new wives straight on their duties.



The first man had married a woman from Maryland

And bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes

and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it

took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house

and the dishes were all washed and put away.



The second man had married a woman from West Virginia . He bragged that

he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,

dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any

results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house

was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.



The third man had married a Brooklyn girl. He boasted that he told

her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and

laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first

day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but

by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a

little out of his left eye!
======================================================

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY

This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town
in
the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred
Hitchcock
tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on
a
real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and
no
cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his
face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing
ghostlike in
the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door;
only
then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no
sound of
an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward
and
the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The
guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too
scared to
jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the
ghost
car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!
But
just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window
and a
hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the
car safely around the bend.   Then, just as silently, the hand
disappeared
through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he
could
take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two
shots
of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A
silence
enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was
telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
the
other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz
pushin it in the rain."
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
  I'm Fine
Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the
trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the
lawyer.

Boudreaux responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the ...."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the
question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Boudreaux said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road.."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman
on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and
said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule,
Bessie".

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, " Well as I was saying, I
had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot
her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand,
and
looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?" 

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.Two
blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

  The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

   The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down
and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

       Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing
there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside
to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until
he's  dead.

       As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the
two blonde genies.

       One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I
can  also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to
be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Why Women think Men are so Damn lucky...


1. Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.

> > > >

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

> > > >

3. Your last name stays put.

> > > >

4. The garage is all yours.

> > > >

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

> > > >

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

> > > >

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

> > > >

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

> > > >

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

> > > >

10. Same work... more pay.

> > > >

11. Wrinkles add character.

> > > >

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

> > > >

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux Rental $100.

> > > >

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

> > > >

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

> > > >

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

> > > >

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

> > > >

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

> > > >

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

> > > >

20. You can open all your own jars.

> > > >

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

> > > >

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

> > > >

> > > > 23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

> > > >

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

> > > >

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

> > > >

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

> > > >

27. No maxi-pads.

> > > >

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

> > > >

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

> > > >

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.

> > > >

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

> > > >

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

> > > >

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

> > > >

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

> > > >

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

> > > >

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th,in minutes.

> > > >

37. The world is your urinal.

> > > >

Ten Things men know for sure about women.

> > > >

1.

> > > >

2.

> > > >

3.

> > > >

4.

> > > >

5.

> > > >

6.

> > > >

7.

> > > >

8.

> > > >

9.

> > > >

10. They have breasts.
=======================================================

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

                                             

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.  It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.




Well, the Gates open and Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.



St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.




The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.Two
blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

  The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

   The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down
and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

       Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing
there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside
to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until
he's  dead.

       As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the
two blonde genies.

       One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I
can  also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to
be hung like a black man is beyond me."

thanks Snowcat, I needed a good laugh. ;D

keep them coming!

julia

It is sad that I nobody on this whole board can find a joke to post except me.


My second best lawyer joke:

One afternoon, a well-to-do lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO EAT GRASS!"

The lawyer then said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.  He found that the problem was hair in its ears.  He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.



The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.



The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair" hair remover.  At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."



The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."



The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."



The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."



The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

This is a true and heartwarming Thanksgiving story. Try it with your friends next week.

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys actually lay eggs!

Yep................SHE'S BLONDE!


The U2 Concert
At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, A child in Africa dies."

The atmosphere is electric.

Finally a voice from the audience pierces the silence.

"So, stop clapping your hands."

Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt.
Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has always been slow.
------------------------------

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"

----------------------
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found the husband curled up into a little ball,sobbing.

"Honey, what`s wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."

---------------

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An English girl !!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked?

"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl !!!"

--------------------
Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."
St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."
Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn`t perfect, huh?"
St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don`t worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."
Third guy too gets the same question.
The guy blushes a bit.
"C`mon," he says. "You know I wasn`t the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."
"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don`t worry about it. We`ll let you have that bicycle over there."
A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.
Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you`re driving a Rolls Royce, and everything`s great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.
Guy no. 3 says, "That`s great! So, what`s the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates!"
------------------------------

There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day`s work.
He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It`s the least I can do.""Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It`s my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"

-----------------------

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn`t know you were into earrings."
"Don`t make such a big deal, it`s only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

--------------------

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it`s me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It`s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What`s the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $70,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It`s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $990,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $990,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I`ll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone`s flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
"Okay... who`s phone is this?"

This is so funny
>
> 
>
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>http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
> <http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/" target=_blank
>http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/>
>

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"
-------------------------------------------


A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver`s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver`s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I`m reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She`s knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I`m nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about ten minutes she`ll be eighteen."
---------------------


The story about the pilot ground school got me thinking about my first skydiving
instructor. During class he would take time to answer any of our stupid First Timer Questions.
One guy asked: "If our parachute doesn`t open.....and the reserve doesn`t open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."
----------------



A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, How many children do you have?
Eight, she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert and Robert," she answered.
"They're all named Robert?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Robert,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Robert, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

---------------------------
Letters:
Son to his father

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply cannot think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.



Father replies

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Your Dad
------------------------------


Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what`s your problem?" ask the others.
"I don t wake up until nine!"

What money can buy -- happiness and ...
A Jewish grandmother and her 14-year old grandson check into a large, expensive Miami Beach hotel. The bellman brings in 14 suitcases and asks if there's anything else he can do?

"Yes," she says, "Would you please lift my grandson out of the car and bring him up to my room?"

"Oh," says the bellman, "I'm very sorry. I didn't realize he couldn't walk."

"Oh, he can walk fine," says the grandmother. "But, thank God, he doesn't have to."



You can't always win
Sheldon tells his best friend, "Every girl I bring home, my mother doesn't like. I can't please her."

His friend replies, "Keep looking until you find a girl who looks just like your mother. Then she can't find fault with her."

Three months later, Sheldon meets his friend and says, "I did what you said. I finally found a girl just like my mother -- same height, same hair, same personality. She was exactly like my mother."

"So what happened?"

"My father hated her."

This cracked me up ;D

Flash Beer- I am speechless :)

http://www.flashbeer.com.au/

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed.........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

Whoa!- Serious blonde there Snowcat :)   Here's a couple-

I'll Do Anything You Want 


A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'

Blonde-

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble.  Her
business has gone bust, and she's in a serious financial mess.  She's
so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray, "God, please help me...I've lost my business and
I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let me win the lotto..."

Lotto night comes, and she is devastated when someone else wins it.

Brandi prays again..."God, please let me win the lotto!  I've lost my
business, my house, and I'm going  to lose my car as well..."

Lotto night comes, and Brandi still has absolutely no luck.

Once again, she prays.  "My God, why have you forsaken me?!  I've lost
my business, my house, and my car.  My children are very hungry.  I
don't often ask for you to help, and I am a constant good servant for
you...PLEASE just let me win the lotto this ONE time so I can get my
life back in order..."

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself...

"Work with me here, Brandi.  Buy a ticket!"

D'Oh

One Sunday in Harlem:

two men are walking down the street......

One goes to the other, "Heyyyyyyyy, Mothafuccaaaaaa"!

The other replies, "Good morning, reverend".