Joke of the Day

[snowcat]

 
-----You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And Finally:

An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

[stockontop]

 

[snowcat]

Two beggars are sitting outside of a church in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.



Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."



The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:



"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

[snowcat]

A Gift From God
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the clergyman's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God." He said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "AMEN!"


The Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New Orleans showed up.

Never having seen anyone from the Big Easy at Heaven's door before, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"

"What? All of the New Orleans people are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

[snowcat]

Bad Redneck Humor -- Part 1:
A Mexican drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and blasts the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas cowboy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.

He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

Bad Redneck Humor -- Part 2:
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 09R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 09R - Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 27L."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your little hearts! Y'all be careful now and tell Allah hi for us -- ya hear?."


Gee - I hope I did not offend anyone. Snowy

[snowcat]

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive . . he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.

How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

[snowcat]

Cowboy jokes are now in vogue.
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[snowcat]

 

A favorite joke to make your day better:



The National Poetry Contest had come down to the final two contestants,
a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas.

They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the
word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they
were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.
The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three women in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!!!!

[dmxbr9]

i only know dirty jokes, dont wanna say em!    LMFAO

[Ouch!!!]

From One Up On Wall Street...

   As for Will Rogers, he may have given the best bit of advice ever
uttered about stocks: "Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy
some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it.  If it don't
go up, don't buy it."

[snowcat]

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards


  1. Under same management for over 5763 years.

  2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

  3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand

  4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

  5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: " The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

  6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

  7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

  8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked
Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?," Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

  9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarte r  replies, "I make a nice living."

10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name, and forgot to write a letter.

11. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

12. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"


 
 

[snowcat]

"God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, western Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while eastern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be
found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, and will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington..wait until you see who I put there."

Lawyers are wonderful. Soon my daughter will be one.
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you
weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way: The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[snowcat]

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are
you doing?  "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he
wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the
other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When
he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy,
walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

"Man, this just ain't gonna be your day..."

[snowcat]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying:  "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims.  "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

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Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!!

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday : Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day

[snowcat]

 President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and

> asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we

> do?

>

>   The CIA chief says, "It's simple. The Jews have an

> expression, â?~Nu, Vus Tutzuch?â?T (English

> translation: What's Happening?). They just ask each

> other and that's how they find out everything."

>

>   Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants

> to go undercover to see how this system works.

>

>   So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard,

> long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is

> secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York

> where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car

> and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of

> Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods.

>

>   As the president stands quietly on a busy street

> corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling

> along. Bush approaches him and whispers "Nu,Vus

> Tutzuch?"

>

>   The old guy whispers back, "Did you hear that putz

> Bush is in Brooklyn?"

>