3SOF

Three stockbrokers were analyzing a stock.  One of them was bullish on the stock and said to the others, "This stock is headed to the moon!"  Another broker, even more bullish, said to the others, "Forget the moon. This stock is headed to Mars!"  However, the third broker was bearish on the stock.  He said to the others, "Forget Mars. This stock is headed to Uranus!"

Leaira

A policeman was sitting on his horse waiting to cross the street
when a little girl rode up beside him on her shiny new bike.

"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes sir," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket
for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to
put a reflector light on the back of your bike"

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you
got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes ma'am, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year,
tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, , we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either".

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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, "Is my time up"?
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

(1) What does the average Univ. of Michigan player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one
room?
..........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get an Iowa cheerleader into your dorm room?
.......Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Ohio State graduate off your porch?
........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
.......There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
...Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami (Fla) football
player's life?
..........His freshman year.

( How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
..........None. That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
......... Durham, North Carolina He knew that the police would
never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.


(10) Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,
and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.


(11) What's the difference between a Nebraska Cheerleader and a Rolls Royce?

... About 50 lbs

NO! The OTHER difference...

... You can only fit 4 football players in a Rolls Royce?

From Business Week, The 10 Worst Economic Predictions About 2005

10. "If Microsoft (MSFT ) gets serious about search -- and there is every reason to believe that it will -- Google will need brilliant strategy and flawless execution simply to survive." -- Charles H. Ferguson, author, Technology Review, Jan. 1, 2005

>> REALITY: Google didn't just survive in 2005. It ruled. In the most recent quarter, profits soared 633%, and revenues almost doubled. Microsoft? Profits gained 24%, revenue rose 6%.


9. "The big, big story of 2005 could be the collapse of the dollar." -- Peter Schiff, founder of Euro Pacific Capital in Newport Beach, Calif., Jan. 2, 2005

>> REALITY: Collapse? The dollar surged 14% against the Japanese yen and 13% against the euro from the start of the year through mid-December.


8. Chinese Internet stock NetEase.com (NTES ) -- "organic and innovative" -- will outperform the market. -- Richard Ji, Jenny Wu, and Mary Meeker, Morgan Stanley (MWD ) tech analysts, initiating coverage on Sept. 12, 2005

>> REALITY: In the first three months after Meeker's team recommended NetEase, the company's shares fell 25%. Oops.


7. Calpine, the big electricity generator, "is making progress with a big financial restructuring. If they just liquidated the company, you'd get $6 a share." -- David J. Williams, portfolio manager of the Excelsior Value & Restructuring Fund at U.S. Trust, Dec. 27, 2004

>> REALITY: Calpine's shares were trading around $3.50 when Williams made them one of his top picks for 2005. They're trading now for 31 cents -- down 91%.


6. Overproduction by OPEC could cause a steep decline in oil prices: "We are concerned about the future. We are concerned about a new severe drop in price like we have witnessed in recent days." -- Iranian Minister of Petroleum Bijan Zanganeh, Nov. 22, 2004

>> REALITY: Oil prices were about $50 a barrel when Zanganeh fretted about a severe drop. They hit a record of $70 a barrel in the summer before easing back to "only" around $60 by yearend.


5. Sales of gold by central banks could seal its fate as an economic relic of the Old World. "The pillars of the market are crumbling." -- Andy Smith, a gold analyst at Mitsui Global Precious Metals in London, May 3, 2004

>> REALITY: Those golden pillars didn't crumble in 2005. They turned into rocket boosters. Gold rose 16% to a 22-year high in mid-December.


4. Mechanics at Northwest Airlines (NWA ) will win a strike because other workers will stand up for them. "We know we're not in this alone." -- Ted Ludwig, president of Local 33, Aircraft Mechanics Fraternal Assn., Aug. 9, 2005

>> REALITY: Northwest had little trouble finding replacements for the 4,100 strikers, and no other unions honored their picket line. The continuing strike is considered a near-total failure.


3. The Dow Jones industrial average will finish 2005 at 8,000 points. -- Bernie Schaeffer, Schaeffer's Investment Research, Dec. 27, 2004

>> REALITY: Technically speaking, this prediction could still come true, but it would require the Dow industrials to plummet 26% in the next two weeks. Anyone willing to predict that?


2. 2005 will be "a year of economic difficulty." -- A majority of the American people; 54% of respondents to a Gallup poll, Dec. 17-19, 2004

>> REALITY: For many, it was a difficult year. But the unemployment rate is just 5%, well below its 30-year average. The economy is growing rapidly. And household wealth is at an all-time high. If 2005 was "difficult," then what would you call a recession?


1. The U.S. will have fewer hurricanes in 2005 than in 2004. -- Tropical Meteorology Project of Colorado State University, Dec. 3, 2004

>> REALITY: 2005 broke all hurricane records. Including Katrina and Rita, there were 14 Atlantic hurricanes, 7 of them classified as "intense." The Coloradans had predicted six -- only three intense. Granted, predicting hurricane season half a year before it warms up is no easy task. But guys, come on.

On star systems in cars have been tested as "black box" recorders to study what goes on in automobiles just before a crash.  The usual words heard spoken before the crash vary with geographic region of the US.  The most common words heard in Alabama and Tennessee are  "Hold my beer, I want to try something".



This is my modification of an internet circulated joke I heard.  I'm from Tennessee.

For some of the funniest political humor and most off color cartoons, check out Jibjab.

There is a new cartoon featuring that famous cartoon character, President Bush, in his "year in review".

http://www.jibjab.com/Home.aspx

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
means a smile and
is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-) and :-( respectively.


Well, how about some "ass - icons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass hole

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"
"See," he continued,"by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know
about the others, but I use the spoon."

   This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"! < /B>

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

SINGLES / PERSONAL ADS DECODEDTRANSLATIONS OF TERMS USED:

FIRST THE WOMEN:
40-ish ........................ 49
Adventurer...................... Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic....................... Flat-chested
Average looking................. Ugly
Beautiful....................... Pathological liar
Contagious smile................ Bring your penicillin
Educated ....................... College dropout
Emotionally secure.............. Medicated
Feminist........................ Fat; a ball buster
Free spirit..................... Substance user
Friendship First................ Trying to live down a reputation as a slut
Fun............................. Annoying & Talks A Lot
Gentle ........................ .Comatose
Good listener .................. Borderline autistic
New-age ........................ Body Piercing &/or Tattoos
Old-fashioned .................. Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded .................... Desperate
Outgoing........................ Loud
Passionate...................... Loud
Poet............................ Depressive schizophrenic
Professional.................... Aggressive &/or Overbearing
Redhead......................... Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque.................... Fat
Romantic........................ Looks better by candlelight
Voluptuous...................... Grossly Fat
Weight proportional to height... Soon to file for statehood!!
Wants soulmate.................. One step away from stalking
Widow........................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.................. Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:
40-ish.......................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic........................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking................. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Educated........................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit.................... Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first................ As long as friendship includes touching & nudity
Fun............................. Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.................... Arrogant
Honest.......................... Pathological liar
Huggable........................ Overweight, more body hair than a buffalo
Likes to cuddle................. Insecure, overly dependent
Mature ......................... Until you get to know him
Open-minded..................... Would sleep with your Aunt if he could
Physically fit.................. I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet........................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual....................... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.......................... Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Snowcat,
That personal ad decoder is a riot 

OMG, thanks....i needed a good laugh...those are all good

julia

Two young women were seated next to each other on an airplane.  One was from the north; the other from the south.

The young lady from the south introduced herself.  "I'm Tammy from Savannah, Georgia.  Where y'all from?"

The young woman from the north, with her head held high, responded, "I'm from a place where we do not end our sentences in a prepostion!"

The young lady from the south was taken back for a moment, then said, "Oh, excuse me.  So, where y'all from, bitch?!"

Those personal ad words are hilarious!  LOL

I would never use those things to meet a guy.  I've heard that most relationships started with personal ads end up not working out, at best.  I've heard a lot worse, too.  I think I'll stick to meeting guys at church or college.

Merry Christmas!
Leaira