Joke of the Day

[snowcat]

Rodney Dangerfield Jokes

-I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker.  I dropped my pants.  She dropped her price.

-I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy.  I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

-What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

-Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

-When I was a kid I got no respect.  The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

-I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

-What a dog I got.  His favorite bone is in my arm!

-I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

-My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.

-I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

-My doctor told me to watch my drinking.  Now I drink in front of a mirror.  I drink too much.  Way too much.  My doctor drew blood.  He ran a tab.

-I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

-My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

-My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

-I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

-One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

-I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof.

-When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

-I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

-One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.  He felt up my wife!

-I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

-My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

-Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home.

-A hooker once told me she had a headache.

-If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

-I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

-I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

-I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, What'll you have?  I said, Surprise me.  He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

-My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

-I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to wear a brown necktie.

-And we were poor too.  Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

[snowcat]

THE PAP TEST

This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to
that wonderful time once a year when they get to be "intimate" with their
OB/GYN doctor! In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays($1000-$5000)
for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the
winner $5000...

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the
gynecologist.
Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I
didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little
extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't
going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off
my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink,
and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure it was at least
presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor
said, My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I
didn't respond.

When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went
home. The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one
from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had
all my glitter and sparkles in it."

[snowcat]

Finally, The world's best lawyer joke:

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't
give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also
show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she
has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind
and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six
children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died
in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and
three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I
had no idea"

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

[snowcat]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Oh!, No! " says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that weather."

[Jefferson]

I have been lauging for a good twenty minutes now.
thanks to who started this thread, im new here and seems like a spirited bunch here

[snowcat]

  The Guys' Rules
     At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the
                           guys' side of the story.
                            We always hear "the rules"
                             From the female side.
                  Now here are the rules from the male side.
                             These are our rules!
                   Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
                                  ON PURPOSE!


                         1. Men ARE not mind readers.


                       1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
                  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
                       We need it up, you need it down.
           You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


                   1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
                         or the changing of the tides.
                                  Let it be.


                          1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
              And no, we are never going to think of it that way.


                            1. Crying is blackmail.


                           1. Ask for what you want.
                         Let us be clear on this one:
                           Subtle hints do not work!
                           Strong hints do not work!
                          Obvious hints do not work!
                                 Just say it!


   1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.


     1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's
                                  what we do.
                  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


      1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.


       1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
           In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us

                         to act like soap opera guys.


                 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
                                 Don't ask us.


    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways

               makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .


                   1. You can either ask us to do something
                       Or tell us how you want it done.
                                   Not both.
          If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


       1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
                                 commercials.


      1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.


       1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We
                          have no idea what mauve is.


                    1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
                                  We do that.


      1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
                               nothing's wrong.
          We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
                            you don't want to hear.


   1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...

                                    Really.


     1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
            discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
                                   or golf.


                          1. You have enough clothes.


                          1. You have too many shoes.


                      1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!


                        1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men

                  really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[snowcat]

Ralph was dying.

His wife, Mary, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Mary," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Mary," he said in his tired voice. "I....I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Mary. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Mary. I...I fooled around with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"

"I know..." Mary whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."

=========================================================

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.

Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.  There he opened his laptop and sent his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.  However, he accidentally left off one letter in her email address and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.  He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory"  following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail expecting messages from relative and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

Hearing the crash, the widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It sure is hot down here!

888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Subject: A recent study
A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND
THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED  WITH THE LETTER "T."    FOR EXAMPLE:
TUESDAY
THURSDAY
THANKSGIVING
TODAY
TOMORROW
THATURDAY AND THUNDAY
_________________________________

WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED........
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE  MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER.
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE TOILET.
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME.
__________________________________

THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...as a man sees it...
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES.   YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY.
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
(A) NUDITY
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A WIFE?
(A) 45 LBS.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
(A) 45 MINUTES.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MANS HEART"
(A) THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A SHARP KNIFE.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT DO YOU CALL A SMART BLONDE MALE?
(A) A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
__________________________________
(Q) WHY DID OJ SIMPSON MOVE TO WEST VIRGINIA?
(A) EVERYONE HAS THE SAME DNA
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
(A) A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE,   ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
(A) ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT
__________________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mild-mannered man named Louie was tired of being bossed around by his
wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to
build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life.  The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be
getting a clear picture of my problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?" "Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.  Now tell me,
you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex.  That seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window.

[snowcat]

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU.  There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.  The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.  Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."


Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.  The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.  "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH
Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.  Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."


Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day.  All! of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.  He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT t he proper word to use in this situation.  The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'.  Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"



Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.  She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."  She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!' "



Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER

Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.  After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.  It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

[snowcat]

funny video:

http://www.youtube.com/player.swf?video_id=vEWLwz6JRNE&l=357&s=B4BC767524043%20

[snowcat]

7 reasons to not mess with a child:
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. "Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".

It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember, if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

[snowcat]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

[snowcat]

The Pentagon announced today the formation  of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck  Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky,  Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas  boys will  be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts  about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There  is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't  like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are  DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect  the problem in Iraq to be over by  Friday.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
 
   
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very
> > faithful  and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
> > on the Bacardi Breezers.
> >
> >
> > Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
> > the  cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she
> > would take off her panties and use them.
> >
> > Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
> > did  not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to
a
> >
> > grave  that had a wreath with a ribbon on  it, so she proceeded to
wipe
> > with that.
> >
> >
> > After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next
> > day  one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet
> > and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he  phoned the other
> > husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
> > suspect the worst . . my wife came home with no panties!
> >
> >
> > "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
> > stuck to her ass that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll
> > never forget you."

========================================================

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Grandma said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about thess younga boy. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do that. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do that.
But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing thata willa disgraca the family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:

"Grandmama, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

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At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a drunken Irishman. He's having a few beers when a gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the Irishman. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this the Irishman leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the crap out of him, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returns to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the Irishman. "I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Irishman replied. "Something about a job
   

[B_Dub]

Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 4
   
Talking Cookies
A little boy was out om the porch one day with grandpa and grandpa was smoking his favorite pipe, The little boy asked grandpa if he could try the pipe, Grandpa said well i dont know son can your pecker touch your @ss Hole? The little boy replied no And grandpa said well then you cant try smoking. The little boy mad returned inside to play. The Next day Grandpa was out on the porch drinking a little whiskey, The little boy came out on the porch and said can i try that Grandpa? The granpa said well i dont know son can your pecker touch your @ss Hole? The little boy replied no And grandpa said well then you cant try my whiskey The little boy mad returned inside to play The next day grandpa was out on the porch with his chewing tobacco when the little boy came out and said can i try that Grandpa? The granpa said well i dont know son can your pecker touch your @ss Hole? The little boy replied no And grandpa said well then you cant try chewing tobacco the little boy went back in the house where grandma was backing some chocolate chip cookies the little boy said can i have some cookies grandma she said yes sweetie and handed the little boy a plate of cookies. The little boy then returned to the porch where grandpa was
carrying his cookies. grandpa looked over at the little boy and said can i have one of those cookies the little boy looked at grandpa and said i dont know grandpa can you pecker touch you Butt hole? Grandpa said it sure can and the little boy quickly replied good then you can go F#&K yourself these are my cookies

[snowcat]

A young father came home from a business trip and was sitting with his three children talking and asked them if anything had happened while he was gone.

"Oh yes Daddy, there was a big storm with lightening and thunder and we were so afraid that we ran into Mommy's room and got in bed with her. It frightened us so bad that we slept with Mommy every night after that."

Not wanting this to become a habit the father said, "Well I know it frightened you but you were in the house and a lightening storm won't hurt you inside. From now on just stay in your beds and don't be afraid."

Several weeks later the father was coming home from another trip and his young family came to pick him up at the airport. As he came through the security gate his five-year-old saw him from about 50 feet away and proudly shouted, "Daddy, Daddy, nobody slept with Mommy while you were gone."

==============================================================

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil.  Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.  Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower.  Dry with towel the size of a small country.  Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom.  If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.  Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make farting noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud t! hey sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee in shower.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off.  Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist.  If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

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A Florida couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The
doctor
> asked, "What can I do for you?"
> The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor
looked
> puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's
> nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
> This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment,
> have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
> Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
> The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
> She's married and we can't go to her house.
> I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The
> Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from
> Medicare.

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SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BLOOPERS
These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country.  Even the spellchecker wouldn't have helped!

1.  Don't let worry kill you.  Let your synagogue help.  Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

2.  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3.  We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs.  Abe Weiss.

4.  Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.

5.  The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6.  A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.

7.  Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC.  Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

8.  Rabbi is on vacation.  Massages can be given to his secretary.

9.  Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10.  The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

11.  Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

12.  We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary.  All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13.  If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

14.  The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge.  Up Yours.

[snowcat]

 HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
> 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
> "BREASTED AMERICAN."
>
> 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is
> "VOCALLY
> APPRECIATIVE."
>
> 3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY
> ACCESSIBLE."
>
> 4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
> "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
> INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
>
> 5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
> "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
>
> 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY
> IMPAIRED."
>
> 7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets
> "CHEMICALLY
> INCONVENIENCED."
>
> 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is
> "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
>
> 9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
> REPETITIVE."
>
> 10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY
> EXTROVERTED."
>
> 11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She
> is "PECTORALLY
> SUPERIOR."
>
> 12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW
> COST PROVIDER."
>
>
>
> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
> 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed
> a "LIQUID GRAIN
> STORAGE FACILITY."
>
> 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY
> CAUCASIAN."
>
> 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
> "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
> DESTINATIONS."
>
> 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE
> REGRESSION."
>
> 5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers
> "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
> RELATIONSHIPS."
>
> 6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes
> "ACCIDENTALLY
> HORIZONTAL."
>
> 7. He does not have his "head up his ass" - He
> develops a case of
> "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
>
> 8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE
> EMPATHY."
>
> 9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He has
> "MARRIAGE DEFICIT
> DISORDER."
>
> 10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
>
> 11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his
> pants - It's "REAR
> CLEAVAGE"
>