Joke of the Day

[snowcat]

Best Genie Story Ever

A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!  Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.  A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh ... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind,  I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,  "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."  "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.  And, I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.  "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.  Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies ?"

[snowcat]

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he
would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me
to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It gets worse
Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me
with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a
very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God,
in His wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

[snowcat]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home  Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence.  I'm looking for  my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a  little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white   shorts.  What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours

[snowcat]

The nicest wedding present:
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly.


As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.


oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Time for the Rabbi's advice?
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
"Yes."
The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

===========================================================

Alzheimer's Test-
Count the "F's" in the following text:
 

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS..(see below)


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  Managed it ? Scroll down only after you have counted
them, okay? Do you think there are three?



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


How many ? 3?
Wrong, there are 6 !!--no joke.
Read it again.
The reasoning behind is further down.


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what ? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is
a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends-it drives them crazy.

[snowcat]

A touching story
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

The Rabbi and his son
A boy had just gotten his drivers license. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."

The father said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

[trademan07]

Oh my you guys have some funny ones here.

[snowcat]

rd
-----
Three ministers - a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together.



A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and they all drowned.



The next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.



As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife.  St Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."



St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the "Other Place they went.



Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said St. Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named ! Candy !"



Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and poof! Down the chute went the Methodists.



The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good, Fanny."


Texas Circle flies A cowboy gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

ENGINEERS – Eight Steps to Understanding them...Understanding Engineers – OneTwo engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."-----------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - TwoTo the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - ThreeA priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.  The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"  The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"  The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?  They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.  That's a group of blind firemen.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a firelast year, so we always let them play for free anytime."The group fell silent for a moment.  Then the priest said, "That's so sad!  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - FourWhat is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - FiveThe graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers – Six Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints."Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.  Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - SevenNormal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. ------------------------------------------Understanding Engineers - EightAn engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."  The engineer bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."  The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."  Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?  I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and doanything you want.  Why won't you kiss me?"The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[snowcat]

WARNING!!!    Really bad jokes.

1.. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

2. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

3  What do you get when you get Ragged y Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

4  What is the ultimate rejection?
A: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

5. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

6. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.

7. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

8. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: cherry float.

9. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat IT - we're closed.

10. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

11. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

12. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.



13. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

14. Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

15. What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough

16. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.

17. Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: S he's withholding evidence

18. What's the difference between a light sleeper and a hard sleeper?
A: A light sleeper sleeps with a light on.

19. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

20. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

21. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

22. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

[boatguy]

Snowcat- Did you say Kermit??

Take that:

[snowcat]

Boatguy - Kermit is my new hero - he's been at it for hours!! 

Norwegians are the new blondes
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.

The Operator said "Where are you?"

Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."

The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"

The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Norwegians are the new blondes, part 2
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[snowcat]

What happens in the desert:
A fleeing Hezbollah fighter, desperate for water, was plodding across the plains of Lebanon when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The old Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot. I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"O.K.," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Hezbollah fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.

"What happened?" asked the old Jew.

Replied the fighter, "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

[snowcat]

The Purina Diet. Who knows if this is true. Who cares.

"I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is nutritionally complete and perfectly healthy, I decided to try it again."

"By now, everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, just hanging on my every word, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind the woman I was describing the diet to."

Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, and went on to explain that I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.

"I thought the black guy was going to platz as he staggered to the door, laughing uncontrollably."

==========================================================

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!"

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

The Real Man Test"

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these
questions. Knowing this, women will have
come far in understanding men and enriching
their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit
the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter.
As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present
you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device
that is capable of curing all disease, providing an
infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger
and poverty, and permanently eliminating
oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United
Nations.

C. Take it apart.



2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your
youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.



3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection
without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and
this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him
know that, for business reasons, you have to have him
killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.



5. You have been seeing a woman for several years.
She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy
being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two
of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out
of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she
really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have
some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a
future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her,
you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime
soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want
to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw
play on third and seventeen.



6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a
woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with
her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to
offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after
dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you
say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea
breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her
eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?


7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill
and asks you to get your three children ready for
school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?"



8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran
underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and
developed new holes so large that you're not sure which
ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A
real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody
and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife
is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she
is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a
more intimate relationship with it than with her).



9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable
explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites
all over the place for forty years before they finally
got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.

B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised
Land when they finally got there.

C. He refused to ask for directions.



10. What is the human race's single greatest
achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion.

C. Remote control.

[thai626]

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of
jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have
carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her
to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox
360. End of
story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.

29: Pull out

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are
you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

[snowcat]

thai - great stuff!  But:

Here is another fun activity, not so political

http://www.chezmaya.com/applet/valentin.htm


  Apparently this is the most popular screen saver in the U.S. If he gets stuck, push him with your cursor. You can also grab him with the cursor & chuck him about, and whizz him round and round!!!

  http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm

May your day be filled with all things good.

A better drunk story than Mel Gibson's
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........

"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too"

[snowcat]

Forget your wedding anniversary

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really MAD.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday. His wife never did have a sense of humor.