Joke of the Day

[snowcat]

Great one-liners:
You hear about the married gay couple getting a divorce? They cited, "irreconcilable similarities."

It was so hot in Washington DC today that the President met with the NAACP just to get the cool reception - David Letterman

How hot is it? Lawyers are killing themselves because they know it's cooler in Hell.


Damn, she's good -- part 1
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

Damn, she's good -- part 2
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

[snowcat]

Joe died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the
last
>guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest
friend.
>
>
>"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
>
>"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned

>in close.
>
>"How mu ch did this really cost?"
>
>"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
>
>"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
>
>Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
>The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the
>memorial stone."
>
>Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big
>is it?!"
>
>"Two and a half carats."

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[snowcat]

How doctors work:
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. -- Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. -- Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." -- Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. -- Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." -- Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." -- Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener". -- Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

[snowcat]

Texans are very smart.
Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, he tells her, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. You'll find the cow, because I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn."

After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him: "This is the one..... right here."

Impressed by the ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on...."


The ultimate logic. First hand story:
"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

"Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

"Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast- talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

"Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"

[rumorman2006]

has anyone noticed nobody is tryign to get rid of the Uranus planet? why Pluto? think about it

[snowcat]

The choice
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.... "

The question
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -- prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared intently at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her next question:

"Will I be acquitted?"

[gsx739]

thats a good one

[snowcat]

The Jewish Fire Truck...

One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical
plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.  The alarm
went out to all fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in
the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000
to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire
departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire
company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To
everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past
all the sleek, newer engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off
right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.  It was a
performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman
feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of
the brave fire fighters personally.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking
their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting ve
gonna do is fix da brakes on dat fuckin' truck!"
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

If Men got pregnant:


1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.


2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.


3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.


4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health
Problem.


5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.


6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.


7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.


8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.


9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.


10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.


11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.


12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.


13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main
Entree's'.


14. Women would rule the world.
   

[gmarc66]

snowcat, these jokes are hysterical.....keep them coming

thanks!

julia

[snowcat]

Did you hear about the new Muslim strip club?

It features full facial nudity.


How do you know when a member of Al-Quaida reaches puberty?

He takes the diaper off his ass and puts it on his head.

[snowcat]

Funnier jokes on Snowcat's hot stock pix!

The funniest joke in the world: Be ultra careful watching this video. This joke will kill you. Click here. P.S. You need to watch this video. It's a lot more interesting than watching the ticker.

A Second Wife
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women in the back of the room spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

The first husband
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

[JKN]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling
around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above
the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers beg an to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again
and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, "Boy..................go git cha momma..............."

[goldieboox56]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.

During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."

[snowcat]

Dr. Watson enters the Holmes' residence one morning and notices Sherlock leaving his bedroom with a very young woman on his arm.

Dr. Watson asks "Is that a high school girl you spent the night with, Sherlock?"

To which he replies "Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."

[goldieboox56]

> Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that

> you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....

>

>

> I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and

> asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I

> turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband

> didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

>

> ==================

>

> I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was

> unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for

> several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

> who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without

> thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's

> balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

>

> ===================

>

> Nuts about You

>

> My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a

> variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy

> behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

>

> I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

>

> My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned

> beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me

> forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

>

> ===================

>

> While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release

> some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of

> her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

> I told her that

> if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

>

> To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as

> threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma

> that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

>

> The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the

> tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my

> dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last

> thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

> Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia

>

> ====================

>

> A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally

> got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price

> tag. Imagine

> her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for

> all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."

>

> That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently

> misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like

> tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.

>

> "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU

> POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" Diane E. Amov

> ===================

>

> Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My

> three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was

> on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch

> in between errands. It was

> very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled

> something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and

> she

> was clean.

>

> Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I

> asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No."

>

> I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't

> have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you

> didn't have an accident?"

>

> "No," he replied.

>

> I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was

> getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an

> accident?"

>

> This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread

> his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

>

> While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he

> calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

>

> An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh

> they'd ever had! =================

>

> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very

> embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think

> before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get

> any....a true story...

>

> We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have

> snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,

> where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

>

> Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they

> were laughing so hard!