When Bad Girls Turn Good

[Tirebldr]

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a
lot this year. (This happens when you combine a headstrong
two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young
adolescent.) Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of
her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the
two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it
when children fight. This had little impact.

"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the
mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's
eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really
Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put
Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom
described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was
acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her,
she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would
be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with
their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things
to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of
Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was
done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at
being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister
this year."

[Livana]

That's a cute and funny story Tire... 

[snowcat]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists, two men and a

woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal

door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your

instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will

find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be

serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not

the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went

into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with

tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,

"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to

kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were

heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the

walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and

there stood the woman.. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is

loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair.

[snowcat]

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Grandma said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about thess younga boy. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do that. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do that.
But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing thata willa disgraca the family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:

"Grandmama, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

[B_Dub]

Good stuff