Need a Laugh???

[snowcat]

The Mars Lander has landed:
A man from Mars lands on Second Avenue in the lower East Side of New York. He goes into a Jewish bakery and asks, "What are those little wheels in the window?"
"They aren't wheels," says the storekeeper, "They're called bagels. Here, try one...."
The Martian bites into the bagel and says, "Hey! This would go great with some lox and cream cheese."

Tea or Coffee?
Sol and Herbie were finishing their lunch at a New York restaurant when the waited asked, "Tea or coffee, gentleman?"
"I'll have tea," said Sol.
"Me too," said Herbie. "And make sure the glass is clean."
The returned in a few minutes and announced, "Two teas. And who gets the one in the clean glass?"



 
The ailing memory:
Two old Jewish men are sitting in the sun, talking. "Harry, tell me about the restaurant you went to last week."
"Oy Jack, I can't remember the name. You know my memory is terrible, I can't remember anything. I know, wait a minute. What do you call the flower, with a sweet smell, with thorns, grows in the garden, all beautiful colors?"
"You mean, a rose?"
"That's it!"
He calls out: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last week?"

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doct1010
1245 posts Dec-24th-03  3:32 PM

     


96. "Re: Early Christmas joke...from the e-mail bin"
In response to message #89
       


15 Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her sweet time:

1. Pick up condom packages & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5 minute
     Intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the ladies room.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official tone, "Code blue in house wares,"...and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say:  "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream: "NO! No! Not those voices again".
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real LOUD: "We're out of toilet paper in here!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quickies:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
---------
Let's go for stupid
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
----------
Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
----------
Drunk?
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb  and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"      "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."     Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
----------
Dealing with trouble
     A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
     Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
     The giant nodded.  "If I had some chains,"  the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong  you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.  "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.   "Nope,"he replied. "I can't do it."
     "In that case," said the deputy, "You're under arrest."
----------
Too Late
  The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
     "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.       "My wife," said the man.
----------
Golf balls
     A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets  full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.  Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."  The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and then asked,  "Does
it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[snowcat]

You are a redneck if:

01. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse has.

02. You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

03. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

04. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

05. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

06. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

07. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"

08. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

09. You think the last words of The Star Spangled Banner are:"Gentlemen, start your engines!"

10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

11. The bluebook value of your truck goes up or down according to how much gas it has in it.

12. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

13. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

14. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

15. Your house has wheels but your cars don't.

16. Your family tree doesn't branch.

17. You have more appliances on your front lawn than in your house.

========================================================

A married couple went to the hospital to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he
had invented a new machine that would transfer a
portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's
father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor
set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,explaining
that even 10% was probably more pain than the father
had ever experienced before. However, as the labor
progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The
husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the
husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing. At this point, they decided to try for
50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since
the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
onsiderably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman
was dead on the porch.

[snowcat]

Subject: never under estimate the powers of a Brooklyn girl.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their

new wives straight on their duties.



The first man had married a woman from Maryland

And bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes

and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it

took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house

and the dishes were all washed and put away.



The second man had married a woman from West Virginia . He bragged that

he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,

dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any

results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house

was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.



The third man had married a Brooklyn girl. He boasted that he told

her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and

laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first

day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but

by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a

little out of his left eye!
======================================================

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY

This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town
in
the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred
Hitchcock
tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on
a
real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and
no
cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his
face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing
ghostlike in
the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door;
only
then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no
sound of
an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward
and
the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The
guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too
scared to
jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the
ghost
car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!
But
just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window
and a
hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the
car safely around the bend.   Then, just as silently, the hand
disappeared
through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he
could
take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two
shots
of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A
silence
enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was
telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
the
other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz
pushin it in the rain."
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
  I'm Fine
Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the
trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the
lawyer.

Boudreaux responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the ...."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the
question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Boudreaux said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road.."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman
on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and
said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule,
Bessie".

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, " Well as I was saying, I
had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot
her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand,
and
looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?" 

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.Two
blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

  The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

   The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down
and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

       Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing
there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside
to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until
he's  dead.

       As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the
two blonde genies.

       One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I
can  also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to
be hung like a black man is beyond me."

[snowcat]

Why Women think Men are so Damn lucky...


1. Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.

> > > >

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

> > > >

3. Your last name stays put.

> > > >

4. The garage is all yours.

> > > >

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

> > > >

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

> > > >

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

> > > >

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

> > > >

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

> > > >

10. Same work... more pay.

> > > >

11. Wrinkles add character.

> > > >

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

> > > >

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux Rental $100.

> > > >

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

> > > >

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

> > > >

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

> > > >

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

> > > >

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

> > > >

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

> > > >

20. You can open all your own jars.

> > > >

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

> > > >

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

> > > >

> > > > 23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

> > > >

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

> > > >

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

> > > >

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

> > > >

27. No maxi-pads.

> > > >

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

> > > >

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

> > > >

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.

> > > >

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

> > > >

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

> > > >

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

> > > >

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

> > > >

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

> > > >

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th,in minutes.

> > > >

37. The world is your urinal.

> > > >

Ten Things men know for sure about women.

> > > >

1.

> > > >

2.

> > > >

3.

> > > >

4.

> > > >

5.

> > > >

6.

> > > >

7.

> > > >

8.

> > > >

9.

> > > >

10. They have breasts.
=======================================================

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

                                             

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.  It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.




Well, the Gates open and Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.



St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.




The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.Two
blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

  The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

   The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down
and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

       Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing
there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside
to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until
he's  dead.

       As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the
two blonde genies.

       One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I
can  also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to
be hung like a black man is beyond me."

[gmarc66]

thanks Snowcat, I needed a good laugh.

keep them coming!

julia

[snowcat]

It is sad that I nobody on this whole board can find a joke to post except me.


My second best lawyer joke:

One afternoon, a well-to-do lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO EAT GRASS!"

The lawyer then said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.  He found that the problem was hair in its ears.  He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.



The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.



The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair" hair remover.  At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."



The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."



The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."



The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."



The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[snowcat]

This is a true and heartwarming Thanksgiving story. Try it with your friends next week.

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys actually lay eggs!

Yep................SHE'S BLONDE!


The U2 Concert
At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, A child in Africa dies."

The atmosphere is electric.

Finally a voice from the audience pierces the silence.

"So, stop clapping your hands."

[nita]

Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt.
Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has always been slow.
------------------------------

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"

----------------------
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found the husband curled up into a little ball,sobbing.

"Honey, what`s wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."

---------------

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An English girl !!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked?

"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl !!!"

--------------------
Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."
St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."
Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn`t perfect, huh?"
St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don`t worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."
Third guy too gets the same question.
The guy blushes a bit.
"C`mon," he says. "You know I wasn`t the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."
"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don`t worry about it. We`ll let you have that bicycle over there."
A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.
Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you`re driving a Rolls Royce, and everything`s great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.
Guy no. 3 says, "That`s great! So, what`s the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates!"
------------------------------

There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day`s work.
He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It`s the least I can do.""Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It`s my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"

-----------------------

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn`t know you were into earrings."
"Don`t make such a big deal, it`s only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

--------------------

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it`s me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It`s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What`s the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $70,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It`s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $990,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $990,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I`ll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone`s flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
"Okay... who`s phone is this?"

[snowcat]

This is so funny
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[nita]

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"
-------------------------------------------


A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver`s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver`s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I`m reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She`s knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I`m nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about ten minutes she`ll be eighteen."
---------------------


The story about the pilot ground school got me thinking about my first skydiving
instructor. During class he would take time to answer any of our stupid First Timer Questions.
One guy asked: "If our parachute doesn`t open.....and the reserve doesn`t open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."
----------------



A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, How many children do you have?
Eight, she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert and Robert," she answered.
"They're all named Robert?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Robert,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Robert, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

---------------------------
Letters:
Son to his father

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply cannot think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.



Father replies

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Your Dad
------------------------------


Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what`s your problem?" ask the others.
"I don t wake up until nine!"

[snowcat]

What money can buy -- happiness and ...
A Jewish grandmother and her 14-year old grandson check into a large, expensive Miami Beach hotel. The bellman brings in 14 suitcases and asks if there's anything else he can do?

"Yes," she says, "Would you please lift my grandson out of the car and bring him up to my room?"

"Oh," says the bellman, "I'm very sorry. I didn't realize he couldn't walk."

"Oh, he can walk fine," says the grandmother. "But, thank God, he doesn't have to."



You can't always win
Sheldon tells his best friend, "Every girl I bring home, my mother doesn't like. I can't please her."

His friend replies, "Keep looking until you find a girl who looks just like your mother. Then she can't find fault with her."

Three months later, Sheldon meets his friend and says, "I did what you said. I finally found a girl just like my mother -- same height, same hair, same personality. She was exactly like my mother."

"So what happened?"

"My father hated her."

[boatguy]

This cracked me up

[boatguy]

Flash Beer- I am speechless

http://www.flashbeer.com.au/

[snowcat]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed.........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

[boatguy]

Whoa!- Serious blonde there Snowcat    Here's a couple-

I'll Do Anything You Want 


A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'

Blonde-

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble.  Her
business has gone bust, and she's in a serious financial mess.  She's
so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray, "God, please help me...I've lost my business and
I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let me win the lotto..."

Lotto night comes, and she is devastated when someone else wins it.

Brandi prays again..."God, please let me win the lotto!  I've lost my
business, my house, and I'm going  to lose my car as well..."

Lotto night comes, and Brandi still has absolutely no luck.

Once again, she prays.  "My God, why have you forsaken me?!  I've lost
my business, my house, and my car.  My children are very hungry.  I
don't often ask for you to help, and I am a constant good servant for
you...PLEASE just let me win the lotto this ONE time so I can get my
life back in order..."

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself...

"Work with me here, Brandi.  Buy a ticket!"

D'Oh