3SOF

THE SUPER BOWL TICKET

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man

comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a

seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,

and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come

with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't

been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find

someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

Meanwhile, the worst Danish joke ever
Ole Vas working at the fish plant up nort in Duluth vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006! ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" To vhich Ole answers........

"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

These are for educational purposes only.  Do not put on T-Shirts.

The cartoons that are causing all the problems in the world:

http://www.humaneventsonline.com/sarticle.php?id=12146

Bush is assembling a committee of cartoon characters to look into it.

Marmaduke is particularly distraught.  Not only is he a cartoon character, but a Great Dane as well.

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"

The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering." The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?"

"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with." The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?" "Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one." "Do it!" the guy replies.

So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on." The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da-deal!"







5555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555
Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses

10. "Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm"

9. "Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page"

8. "Not enough Jim Beam"

7. "Trying to stop the spread of bird flu"

6. "I love to shoot people"

5. "Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter"

4. "I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me"

3. "Excuse? I hit him, didn't I?"

2. "Until Democrats approve Medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly"

1. "Made a bet with Gretzky's wife"

David Letterman
The Late Show
February 13, 2006
www.cbs.com

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.  She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

This is great snowcat!!
I think I pee-ed in my pants a little bit somewhere along the way 

An LSU professor stood before his philosophy class and

had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he

picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it

with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They

agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and

poured them into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled

into the open areas between golf balls. He then asked the students again if

the jar was full. They agreed it was.



The professor next picked up a box of sand and

poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He

asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an

unanimous

"yes."



The professor then produced two cans of beer from

under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar,

effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.



"Now," said the professor, as the laughter

subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life."



"The golf balls are the important things -- your

family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions

-- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained,

your life would still be full."



"The pebbles are the other things that matter like

your job, your house, your car.



The sand is everything else -- the small stuff."



"If you put the sand into the jar first," he

continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same

goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,

you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay

attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with

your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Have joy in your heart.



There will always be time to clean the house, and

fix the disposal."



"Take care of the golf balls first; the things

that really matter.  Set up your priorities. The rest is just sand."



One of the students raised her hand and inquired

what the beer represented.



The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just

goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's

always room for a couple of beers."

Irish Lore


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever
you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman
came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep
the money?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in
the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear
spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til
two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!"
He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all
night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

George Bush meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an
efficient
government? Are there any tips you can give  to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is
to surround
yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me
are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy.
You  just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would  you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony.
Your  mother and  father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is  not  your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
"Well, your  Majesty, that would be me."
"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.
Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice
President, the
same question.
"Dick, answer this for  me. Your mother and your
father have a child.

It's not  your brother and it's not your  sister. Who
is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you
on that one."

Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but
none can give him an
answer.


Finally, he ends up in  the men's room


and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in  the next
stall.


Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer  this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your
brother or
your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did
some
research and I have the answer to that riddle.  It's
Colin  Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells
into his  face,


"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!



_____________________________________

More Irish Humor:

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.. ."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he  suffer much ?"
"Well, Brenda...no. In fact, he got out three times to  go to the bathroom ."


How to savor fine wine
Mother Superior called all the nuns together one evening and said to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."

Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices -- either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

The anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday was last week; He was born

March 14, 1879.  Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. 

It is called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty. 

good thread
             laughter is priceless

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "150," and the robot proceeds to make conversation about quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, etc.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, etc.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "30."

And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

good one.. keep em comin...

Another Norwegian joke:
Ole and Sven walk into a restaurant. While waiting for their order, they talk about the lutefisk and lefsa dinner at the Lutheran Church last night. Suddenly, a woman at the next table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

Ole looks at her and says, "Kin yew svallo?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin yew git yewr brett?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. Ole walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, Ole walks slowly back to his table. His buddy Sven says, "By golly, ay herd oof dat Hind Lick Maneuver, but ay never seed nobody do dat before!"

=========================================================

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP




1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.


2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.


3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.


4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.


5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.


6. You watch the Weather Channel.


7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."


8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.


9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."



10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.


11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.


12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.


13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.


14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.


15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.


16. You take naps.


17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.


18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.


19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.


20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."


21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.


22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."


23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.


24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.


25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate
them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"


Bonus:


26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.