3SOF

Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations
============================================

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse.  These are actual quotes taken from
federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom
   and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
   of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
   a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
   feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
   to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
   better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
    all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
    ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
    other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
    isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
    looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
    week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
    change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
    gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Brokeback Mountain 2 - suddenly I realize that I am NOT a homophope.


http://www.office-humour.co.uk/includes/images/items/2006/03/3914.jpg

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
means a smile and
is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-) and :-( respectively.


Well, how about some "ass - icons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass hole

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Subject: Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are
Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands
on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The
hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible,"
said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's
Abraham Lincoln's clock.The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told
only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan."

hahaha 

Latest headline,

Media Advisory - BMO Nesbitt Burns to Webcast Fertilizer Conference

They are one of my discount brokers, so popped up on my watch list on Yahoo news.

Just had to laugh, talking heads / anal-cysts getting together to have a conference about  bull$hit.  I guess according to disclosure laws they have to advertise it with a press release.

Quasi

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different."

"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant."

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earlene got pregnant again."

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

hehehe

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex.""Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda
Dedicated to Todd, who broke his ankle yesterday. Poor clumsy man:

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over: "Nope."

Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says: "Ray, what's different?! It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells: "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies: "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

If you have not listened and seen jibjab videos, you are missing something funny!

http://www.jibjab.com/JokeBox/JokeBox_JJOrig.aspx?movieid=123

guaranteed great.  or call Elite G for your money back!

Totally tasteless political humor:
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum rifle into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to San Francisco and snatch another one?

 The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!



DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some chocolate.

Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some chocolate

What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some chocolate.

Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Here, have some chocolate.

What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more chocolate.



 
Thirteen Things PMS Stands For:

1.     Pass My Shotgun
2.     Psychotic Mood Shift
3.     Perpetual Munching Spree
4      Puffy Mid-Section
5.     People Make me Sick
6.     Provide Me with Sweets
7.     Pardon My Sobbing
8.     Pimples May Surface
9.     Pass My Sweat pants
10.    Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.    Plainly; Men Suck
12.    Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one ....

13. Potential Murder Suspect





Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!



Or to men who need a warning.

And remember: Money talks.... but Chocolate SINGS!!!

This was Bill Maher's closing monologue the other night:

"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend - you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare - helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare; the credit cards are maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.

"Now it's time to do what you've always done best - lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or space man?

"Now I know what you're saying - there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church.

And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

"But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes.

"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side.

"So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is, 'Take a hint.'

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!

lol...lots of those are good ones